Sugarcane

The leader of the centaurs trots up to you. How frightening. "Human!" he says. "Would you take these woods from us too?"\n\n[[ >"Die, abomination!"|DAY1FUA1]]\n[[ >"What do you mean, take these woods from you?"|DAY1FSP1]]\n[[ >"I read about this in the guidebook!"|DAY1FUP1]]

Oh no, Boss. What's that. Why it's a pack of centaurs. And they're surrounding us. Oh no. What are we going to do.\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1F3" 5s>>

Well, boss, here we are in the Forest of Mystery! Where do you want to go?\n \nWhy don't we completely randomly and arbitrarily take this inconspicuous path right here!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1F2" 5s>>

Any flesh in that area has rotted or been crow-pecked clean, and you can see straight through her barrel ribcage to the wood of the throne behind her.\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3C4" 6s>>

"NOOOOOOOO" the vampire screams. "I can't believe you von! Vot vill my underage girlfriend do now!"\n\nThe vampire explodes in an explosion of dust!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3GEND" 6s>>

String.prototype.unDash = function()\n{\n var s = this.split("-");\n if(s.length > 1)\n for(var t=1; t < s.length; t++)\n s[t] = s[t].substr(0,1).toUpperCase() + s[t].substr(1);\n return s.join("");\n};\n

Waves or arcane power go from your fingertips to surround Emilianorry!\n\nEmilianorry screams a beastial howl! His eyes explode and blood leaks out of his ears!\n\nEmilianorry collapses to the ground, twitching mindlessly!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1FUA3" 6s>>

"Don't worry," your mother says. "It's just a spider bite."\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3RSPIDERATTACK3" 4s>>

"Just keep it clean and it'll go away in a day or two!" your dad says.\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3RSPIDERATTACK4" 4s>>

"It's nothing to worry about, it's like a pimple," your teacher says.\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3RSPIDERATTACK5" 4s>>

But the next day...\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3RSPIDERATTACK6" 3s>>

@@color:red;<html>IT EXPLODES.\n\nIT WASN'T A SPIDER BITE.\n\nTHE SPIDER LAID EGGS IN YOUR FACE\n\nAND THREE THOUSAND SPIDER BABIES CAME POURING OUT\n\nAND YOU DIED!!!!!!!!</html>@@\n\n<<timedgoto "END" 8s>>

"My greatest failure. I was able to make him invincible to //almost// everything. You can't stake him, he tolerates sunlight, and garlic has no averse effects. And yet, the personality just doesn't //stay//."\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1CMAIN" 6s>>

All right, Boss, let me tell you that no visit to Tuisere is complete without a visit to the [[Forest of Mystery|DAY1F1]]! Of course, there's plenty of history to be found in [[King Callegnam's Ruins|DAY1R1]]. Up to you!

Drudie's flesh splits and falls off her bones!\n\n<<timedgoto "CURSEENDALCH" 5s>>

"Of course! These are recipes that have been handed down from my mother, from her mother before her, her mother before her, etc etc etc!"\n\n<<timedgoto "ALCHEMISTMAIN" 3s>>

You go to attack the snakes, but you get bitten!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3RSNAKEATTACK2" 4s>>

You quickly succumb to the venom of the snakes!\n\nIf only antidotes were plentiful in this game!\n\n<<timedgoto "END" 4s>>

"You're welcome, Syd," Drombardment says. "Always a pleasure. I hear this one was generous. I'll call you next week."\n\nOh, that Drombardment!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1" 5s>>

Boss, I'm saying //behave yourself//.\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3C5" 4s>>

<<if $CURSE eq 1>>\s\n<<display "SMITHYCURSE">>\n<<else>>\n"So, like, you want anything?"\n<<if $RESEARCH eq 3>>\s\n[[ >"I've got Doktor Igor's research!"|SMITHYQ1]]\n<<endif>>\n<<if $AXE eq 0>>\s\n[[ >"Lemme see that axe."|SMITHYAXE]]\n<<endif>>\n<<if $SWORD eq 0>>\s\n[[ >"Show me your most affordable sword!"|SMITHYSWORD]]\n<<endif>>\n<<if $HAMMER eq 0>>\s\n[[ >"I'd like to find out what I'd do if I had a hammer."|SMITHYHAMMER]]\n<<endif>>\n[[ >"Nah, I'm cool."|SMITHYLEAVE]]\n<<endif>>

<<silently>>\n<<if $RESEARCH eq 1>>\n<<else>>\n<<set $RESEARCH = ($RESEARCH + 1)>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endsilently>>\n"I know totes what you mean. I'm trying to work on the ultimate weapon, but I don't have, like, enough research, or whatever, on monster weakness. Major bummer."\n\n<<timedgoto "SMITHYMAIN" 4s>>

<<silently>>\nThis passage intentionally left blank.\n<<endsilently>>\n<<timedgoto "DAY1RFIGHT3" 3s>>

Boss, wake up! The mummies totally beat you up and left you in an alley!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1RFIGHT4" 5s>>

Wow, Boss! That was a really intense time. I never want to go to that part of the ruins again!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3" 5s>>

Whew, Boss! That was a close one! You should probably stay away from mummies, like, forever!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1" 5s>>

There is an audible sound of a record scratching. A tough-looking mummy comes up to you. "You wanna say that again?"\n\n[[ >"I am extremely sorry and will go home now."|DAY1RUA2]]\n[[ >"I'm gonna say it...with my FISTS!"|DAY1RFIGHT]]

Okay, Boss, I've seen this thing a million times so I'm going to go talk to Drombardment here. (We used to date.)\n\nHave fun!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1FP2" 6s>>

Drudie holds out a red beaker. "Haints can be a problem in Tuisere, and once you've seen one, you can never forget the horror. Unless you drink the Potion of Disbelief! It's 30 groats!"\n\n<<if $GROATS gte 30>>\s\nBoss, you have <<print $GROATS>> groats. Quaff the potion?\n\n[[ >Yes|ALCHEDISBELIEF2]]\n[[ >No|ALCHEMISTNO]]\n<<else>>\nBoss, you only have <<print $GROATS>> groats! You can't afford it!\n\n[[ >Back|ALCHEMISTMAIN]]\n\n<<endif>>

Frunk begins bleeding out of every pore and slumps over, dead!\n\n<<timedgoto "CURSEEND" 5s>>

"I understand," Emilianorry says.\n\nAs you walk away, you hear Agharestia say, "Look, I'll get the whiteboard and we'll do some brainstorming."\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1" 6s>>

//OoOOOoooooOOoooooOOoooo// the haint says.\n\n[[ >"Die, abomination!"|NIGHT2CATTACK1]]\n[[ >"OoOoOoooOOooooOooo"|NIGHT2CSP2]]

Oh, shit, Boss, you shouldn't have said that. Haints //hate// when you mimic their accent.\n\nThe haint attacks!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2CATTACK1" 5s>>

You wake up the next morning with a hangover. Perhaps it was worth it!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3" 4s>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $TEENS = ($TEENS +2)>>\n<<endsilently>>\nYou explain to them about Urghula's woes, and since they think you're cool now, they listen to you! Better go back to The Water Supply and let her know!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1GSA10C" 4s>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $VAR = ($VAR + 1)>>\n<<endsilently>>\n<<if $VAR eq 1>>\s\nAre you sure?\n\n[[ >Yes|DAY1FP8B]]\n[[ >No|DAY1FP9]]\n<<else if $VAR eq 2>>\s\nAre you suure?\n\n[[ >Yes|DAY1FP8B]]\n[[ >No|DAY1FP9]]\n<<else if $VAR eq 3>>\s\nAre you suuure?\n\n[[ >Yes|DAY1FP8B]]\n[[ >No|DAY1FP9]]\n<<else if $VAR eq 4>>\s\nAre you suuuure?\n\n[[ >Yes|DAY1FP8B]]\n[[ >No|DAY1FP9]]\n<<else if $VAR eq 5>>\s\nAre you suuuuure?\n\n[[ >Yes|DAY1FP8B]]\n[[ >No|DAY1FP9]]\n<<else if $VAR eq 6>>\s\nAre you suuuuuure?\n\n[[ >Yes|DAY1FP8B]]\n[[ >No|DAY1FP9]]\n<<else if $VAR eq 7>>\s\nAre you suuuuuuure?\n\n[[ >Yes|DAY1FP8B]]\n[[ >No|DAY1FP9]]\n<<else if $VAR eq 8>>\s\nAre you suuuuuuuure?\n\n[[ >Yes|DAY1FP8B]]\n[[ >No|DAY1FP9]]\n<<else if $VAR eq 9>>\s\nAre you suuuuuuuuure?\n\n[[ >Yes|DAY1FP8B]]\n[[ >No|DAY1FP9]]\n<<else if $VAR eq 10>>\s\nAre you suuuuuuuuuure?\n\n[[ >Yes|DAY1FP8B]]\n[[ >No|DAY1FP9]]\n<<else if $VAR eq 11>>\s\nYou cheap bastard.\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1SP3" 4s>>\n<<endif>>

That's probably a good idea! No such thing as a free elixir in Tuisere!\n\n<<timedgoto "ALCHEMISTMAIN" 3s>>

Well, Boss, how was it? Drombardment and I have been negotiating a little business deal--well, you don't care about that. Thanks, Drombardment!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1FP10B" 6s>>

You spend the rest of your days as a fugitive from Tuiserian justice. \n\nOne day you are accosted by Goblins and die an infamous death. There is a lesson here.\n\n<<timedgoto "END" 5s>>

You have, in your satchel:\n\n[[ >A crumpled letter|NIGHT1GLETTER]]\n\n<<if $LIGHTER eq 1>>\s\n[[ >A souvenir lighter|NIGHT1GLIGHTER]]\n<<endif>>\n<<if $BOOK eq 1>>\s\n[[ >The Book of Exorcism|NIGHT1GBOOK]]\n<<endif>>\n[[ >Back|NIGHT1GATTACK]]

"Someday I'd love to get my hands on the Ultimate Souvenir--\nThe Golden Cross of the Duchess of Cancer--but some people think these things belong in museums!"\n\n<<timedgoto "SOUVENIRMAIN" 4s>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $CROSS = 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\nBoss! Look! The King left the Golden Cross of the Duchess of Cancer behind! This is one of Tuisere's most valuable treasures!\n\nLet's keep it in your inventory!\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3" 5s>>

"You're welcome so long as you got some groats to spend!" Urghula says.\n\nOkay, Boss, let's get back to the hotel for another exciting day!\n\n<<if $DAY eq 1>>\s\n<<timedgoto "DAY2" 5s>>\n<<else if $DAY eq 2>>\s\n<<timedgoto "DAY3" 5s>>\n<<else if $DAY eq 3>>\s\n<<timedgoto "END" 5s>>\n<<endif>>

"Your time in these lands is coming to an end, I believe," she says. "You will see me soon enough as a citizen."\n \nShe claps her hands and two skeletons appear next to you. They escort us out.\n\n<<timedgoto "END" 6s>>

Immediately the section of her skin corresponding to the Forest of Mystery explodes in a rash of maggots.\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3CSP3" 5s>>

"Don't even joke about that. I have nothing to do with...that particular chain of events. Beware of death, Tourist. It's never-ending, sometimes."\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1CMAIN" 5s>>

The grave says:\n\n''YAG HAREK''\nSon Of Tuisere\n\nSomeone has painted over "Tuisere" and written, in bold, sharp letters, "TWEEZER" over it.\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2G2" 5s>>

You punch the Dryad!\n\nYou get a bloody knuckle for your pain!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2FDRYAD" 4s>>

You and the teenagers party well into the night! This is the best vacation ever!\n\n<<if $TEENS eq 1>>\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1GSA10B" 4s>>\n<<else>>\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1GSA10C" 4s>>\n<<endif>>

\n\n\n\n\nTo receive your cheevo, please send an email to rgoodness@gmail.com! Be sure to enclose a self-addressed, stamped envelope.\n\nThank you very much for playing our game and we hope you check out the other games in the exhibition!\n\nWe hope your stay in Tuisere was a pleasant one!\n\nThank you!\n\n@@color:red;<html>NOW TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER AND GO TO SLEEP</html>@@

<<if $CURSE eq 1>>\s\n<<display "SOUVENIRCURSE">>\n<<else>>\n"Here's what I've got to sell you!"\n\n<<if $CAMERA eq 0>>\s\n[[ >Camera Popularica|SOUVENIRCAMERA]]\n<<endif>>\n<<if $BOOK eq 0>>\s\n[[ >Book of Exorcism|SOUVENIRBOOK]]\n<<endif>>\n<<if $LIGHTER eq 0>>\s\n[[ >Attractive, functional lighter|SOUVENIRLIGHTER]]\n<<endif>>\n[[ >Nothing, thanks|SOUVENIRLEAVE]]\n<<endif>>

Richard Goodness & Julius Olofsson (PaperBlurt)

Yeah, Boss, you're right.\n\nBetter get a move on. \n\nYou got a plane to catch tomorrow.\n\n<<timedgoto "END" 5s>>

\n\n\n\n\nYou've just defeated the vampire which was plaguing the land of Tuisere, and for that you deserve a cheevo!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3GEND4" 6s>>

"He's here," she says. "Would you like to meet him?"\n\nBoss, this one is totally up to you.\n\n[[ >Yes|NIGHT3CNIGHT2G3Y]]\n[[ >No|NIGHT3CNIGHT2G3N]]

//OooOoOooOooOooo//, the haint shrieks.\n\nIt's really hard to concentrate on reading with such a loud spirit, isn't it!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2CHAINT" 5s>>

Choose a weapon!\n\n<<if $AXE eq 1>>\s\n[[ >Hand Axe|NIGHT1GAXE]]\n<<endif>>\s\n<<if $SWORD eq 1>>\s\n[[ >Sword|NIGHT1GSWORD]]\n<<endif>>\s\n<<if $HAMMER eq 1>>\s\n[[ >Hammer|NIGHT1GHAMMER]]\n<<endif>>\s\n[[ >Fists|NIGHT1GFISTS]]

"My name is Emilianorry. Many are the atrocities that humans have committed on our kind," the head centaur says.\n\n"Hey, Syd," one of the centaurs says, "we appreciate the help, but you could act like--" \n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1FSP1B" 6s>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $VAR = either(1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,11,12,13,14)>>\n<<endsilently>>\n<<if $VAR eq 1>>\n"Things were awful before Megalodon bought the island. He's really turned this country around!"\n<<else if $VAR eq 2>>\n"I haven't been to the Forest since that day I stumbled on the Dryad. I haven't been the same!"\n<<else if $VAR eq 3>>\n"I dunno, Murray--it looks like there are a lot of //tourists// in this bar."\n<<else if $VAR eq 4>>\n"Uh, Gladys, you do realize that //we're// tourists too, right?\n<<else if $VAR eq 5>>\n"I almost can't believe it--the Hainted Castle looks exactly like it did on our honeymoon."\n<<else if $VAR eq 6>>\n"No, it's just a bunch of dumb show, they surround you, brandish swords, but they won't actually //kill// you. It's kinda fun, actually!"\n<<else if $VAR eq 7>>\n"I don't know what I expected. Maybe I thought things would be a bit more //authentic//."\n<<else if $VAR eq 8>>\n"No, apparently Megalodon had this secret genetic engineering lab in the 60s. Nothing magical about it."\n<<else if $VAR eq 9>>\n"But a //panda// gets put on the endangered species list because it's //cute//. Hell, it's more //capable// of killing you than a Kobold, you know, but just because they're ugly..."\n<<else if $VAR eq 11>>\n"No, you //spoil// him. He didn't //need// that Professor Adventure hat."\n<<else if $VAR eq 12>>\n"I don't care how many megapixels you got. You, full stop, cannot take a photo of the Wllyllyll. It bends //light//."\n<<else if $VAR eq 13>>\n"No, I think once Megalodon and Igor met, they were inseparable. Till death to they part, and even then..."\n<<else if $VAR eq 14>>\n"No, no, she became a Lich after she //died//. A Lich is an //undead// wizard."\n<<endif>>

What a lovely day to be out in the town! Why don't you stop by the [[Souvenirist|SOUVENIR1]] and pick up some memorabilia! Or you could see what's brewing at the [[Alchemist's|ALCHEMIST1]]--get it?

Boss, run! It's a Dryad!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2F5" 3s>>

<<silently>>\nThis passage intentionally left blank.\n<<endsilently>>\n<<timedgoto "DAY2F6" 3s>>

Boss, I said ''run''. I don't //care// what it //looks// like, this is //really bad news//.\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2F7" 5s>>

Oh, shit, Boss, Boss, don't //talk// to it!\n\n[[ >"Relax; I'm just here to enjoy this place."|DAY2FSA1]]\n[[ >"The gifts of the forest are for everybody!"|DAY2FSP1]]\n[[ >"My apologies for intruding on your forest."|DAY2FUP1]]\n[[ >Say nothing; just run.|DAY2FRUN]]\n\n<<timedcycle 0.15s>>@@color:#1B2616;What the fuck are you doing in my forest?@@<<becomes>>You have no right to be here.<<becomes>>@@opacity: 0.3;Leave this forest alone.@@<<becomes>>I will fucking kill you.<<becomes>>@@color:#F3DB81;Are you afraid of me?@@<<becomes>>//I'm bark; your skin revolts me.//<<becomes>>You can't just walk into a forest.<<endtimedcycle>>

And here we are in the Forest of Mystery. There are animals and plants all around.\n\nNice day, isn't it, Boss?\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2F2" 4s>>

I don't know, Boss. Some of the other Guardian Pixies take a more active role. What do you think? Should I be taking you to more places I know or letting you decide?\n\n[[ >"Oh, Syd, you're wonderful!"|DAY2F3]]

Hang on a second. Do you feel that? Of course you can't. You're a tourist. \n\nBoss, this is bad news.\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2F4" 5s>>

Okay, Boss! Let's get on out of here!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3" 3s>>

<<silently>>\nThis passage intentionally left blank.\n<<endsilently>>\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1CLEAVE5" 1s>>

Yeah, Dad. I will.\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2" 3s>>

Yeah, Dad?\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1CLEAVE3" 3s>>

Oh, Boss, we really shouldn't spend the last night in the [[Graveyard|NIGHT3G1]]. Of course, we shouldn't be spending it in the [[Hainted Castle|NIGHT3C1]] either...

Oh, god//dammit// Boss, you're really going to attack an old scholar because--for what, exactly? Come on. What do you really want to do?\n\n[[ >"No, seriously, Syd, I'm going to kill that man. I'm the boss around here. I don't care what you do or do not want to do, this is my vacation, and you're bound to do whatever I say."|DAY2RUA2]]\n[[ >You're right. I'll just say hello."|DAY2RSP1]]

Fucking //really//? \n\nAll //right//.\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2RUA3" 3s>>

Professor Adventure, world-renowned scholar, chronicler of the history of a troubled nation, and beloved icon of children everywhere, appears!\n\nWhat do you, a horrible, horrible person, want to do?\n\n[[ >Attack|DAY2RUAATTACK]]\n[[ >Item|DAY2RUAITEM]]

All right, Boss. Let's go and party at [[The Water Supply|BAR1]]! Or we could see what's happening at the [[Smithyteria|SMITHY1]]!

Okay, Boss! Hope you remember your Old Tuiserian from high school! Read it out loud!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2CBOOK3" 4s>>

"What the fuck, Syd?" Drombardment says.\n\n"Look," I tell him, "I'm bound for the next two days, and--" \n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1SP3B" 5s>>

Aw, Boss, come on, I'm sure they have a rich and interesting history!\n\n[[ >"All right, I'll listen."|DAY1FP]]\n[[ >"No, seriously, I don't want to."|DAY1SP3]]

I don't think she liked that, boss! You better tip!\n\n <<timedgoto "BARMAIN" 3s>>

I once talked to Frunk at the souvenir shop, you know, about the Wllyllyll, I said, you know, everyone //talks// about it, but what, is it a legend, a myth, or is it real?\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3FUA6" 5s>>

Looking for more TWEEZER? Look forward to the DLC-only "Tuisere: Night Life" pack, which includes the Dancetorium, The Moon King's Nighttime Palace, and others!\n\nCustomize your own room in the Tuisere Arms Hotel!\n\nPitch woo to one of four gender-neutral romance options!\n\nPsychic dreams!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1G1" 6s>>

Better--better get to sleep.\n\nYour flight's in a few hours, you know?\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3FUA5" 5s>>

You raise your arms; the sky darkens and--Boss, what the fuck is happening?\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1FUA2CB" 6s>>

She's laughing, boss! You got her in a good mood!\n\n<<timedgoto "BARMAIN" 3s>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $VAR = either(1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12)>>\n<<endsilently>>\nYou raise your gun and--holy shit, Boss!--shoot Emilianorry in the head for <<print $VAR>> damage!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1FUA2FB" 6s>>

(function(){\nvar bs = String.fromCharCode(92);\nWikifier.formatters.unshift({\n name: "continuedLine",\n match: bs+bs+"s",\n handler: function(a) {\n a.nextMatch = a.matchStart+3;\n }\n});\n}());\n

<<silently>>\n<<set $GROATS = ($GROATS - 25)>>\n<<set $HAMMER = 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\n"Okay, dudetta. May you club many a rat!"\n\n<<timedgoto "SMITHYMAIN" 4s>>

Hey, Boss! I've never been to this part of the ruins before! \n\nWhat do you think we'll find here?\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3R2" 5s>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $CURSE = 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\nThey've also cursed you to bejeezus and back. Oh well. Guess you've learned a lesson about insulting mummies!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1" 6s>>

Augh! Boss! \n\nWe've stumbled into a snake pit!\n\nWhat are we gonna do?!\n\n[[ >Attack!|DAY3RSNAKEATTACK1]]\n[[ >Run!|DAY3RRUN]]\n<<if $ANIMALMAGNETISM eq 1>>\s\n[[ >Use your animal magnetism|DAY3RSNAKEMAGNET]]\n<<endif>>

"That's nothing," says one of the guys. "Have you ever seen my dad eat?" \n\nA collective shudder goes through all four.\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2GSP3" 5s>>

The Dryad stares at you through knotholes that you assume serve the function of eyes.\n\n[[ >"Isn't there something we can do for each other?"|DAY2FQ2]]\n[[ >"I understand. I'll leave."|DAY2FUP2]]\n\n<<timedcycle 0.15s>>//Not all beauty is for consumption.//<<becomes>>You don't belong.<<becomes>>@@color:#181800;This is an intrusion.@@<<becomes>>@@font-size:150%;You are the invader.@@<<becomes>>We have branches and you have veins but that's where it ends.<<becomes>>You must stay away.<<becomes>>@@opacity: 0.2;We do not want you here.@@<<endtimedcycle>>

<<silently>>\nThis passage intentionally left blank.\n<<endsilently>>\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3FUA3" 3s>>

But the most noble and the most wretched of Igor's creations was the centaur.\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1FP5" 5s>>

"You mean the kind that is about cutting and hurting rather than healing and nurturing?"\n\n<<timedgoto "ALCHEMISTMAIN" 3s>>

Not as many people out today as yesterday. No matter. The [[Alchemist|ALCHEMIST1]] is still open, as is the [[Souvenirist|SOUVENIR1]].

Hang on, Boss? Do you hear a rattling, one that sounds like a skelethon?\n\nOh God, Boss--look behind you! It's a skelethon!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1G3" 5s>>

Quick, Boss, what do we do?\n\n[[ >Reason with it!|NIGHT1GSP1]]\n[[ >Attack!|NIGHT1GATTACK1]]\n[[ >Run|NIGHT1GRUN]]

Well, Boss, I'll tell ya, most people would choose to spend their first night in Tuisere in the bar or the [[Dancetorium*|NIGHT1G1DLC]], but you, you sure know how to have fun. Who else would spend their vacation in a spooky graveyard?\n\nNo one, that's who. Ugh.\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1G2" 6s>>

There's a bit of a chilly breeze today! Well, maybe the [[Forest of Mystery|DAY2F1]] will be warmer. Of course, inside [[King Callegnam's Ruins|DAY2R1]] will probably be even warmer!

You slash the sword at the haint! It does absolutely no damage!\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2CHAINT" 4s>>

Okay, Boss! You're probably exhausted after all that fighting; let's get back to the hotel!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2" 5s>>

You spend the rest of your time in Tuisere suffering from Plague!\n\nFinally, the Peace and Quiet Committee shoots you and puts you out of your misery!\n\n<<timedgoto "END" 5s>>

The skelethon is still standing!\n\nCommand?\n\n[[ >Fight|NIGHT1GFIGHT]]\n[[ >Item|NIGHT1GITEM]]\n[[ >Run|NIGHT1GRUN]]

Clonk! You club the rats!\n\nWhat a little exterminator you are!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3RSPIDERS" 4s>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $WLLPHOTO = 0>>\n<<endsilently>>\n@@font-size: 150%;<<timedcycle 1s>>Now loading. Please be patient <<becomes>>Now loading. Please be patient_<<endtimedcycle>>@@\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1" 6s>>

\n\n\n\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3GENDB" 2s>>

Without warning, the teens surround you and loiter threateningly!\n\nWhat should you say, Boss?\n\n[[ >"Hey, can I hit that?"|NIGHT2GSA1]]\n[[ >"I remember when I was a troubled teenager like you."|NIGHT2GSP1]]\n[[ >"Do your parents know you're out here causing trouble?"|NIGHT2GUA1]]

<<silently>>\n<<set $ANIMALMAGNETISM = 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\nYou discover a scroll of Animal Magnetism!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1GWIN4" 4s>>

Oh no, Boss! There's a bunch of rats around!\n\nWhat are you going to do?\n<<if $SWORD eq 1>>\s\n[[ >Slice the rats up!|DAY3RRATSSWORD]]\n<<endif>>\n<<if $HAMMER eq 1>>\s\n[[ >Club the rats!|DAY3RRATSHAMMER]]\n<<endif>>\n<<if $AXE eq 1>>\s\n[[ >Chop the rats!|DAY3RRATSAXE]]\n<<endif>>\n[[ >Punch the rats|DAY3RRATSPUNCH]]\n<<if $ANIMALMAGNETISM eq 1>>\s\n[[ >Use your Animal Magnetism|DAY3RRATSMAGNET]]\n<<endif>>\n[[ >Run!|DAY3RRUN]]

Ha ha ha ha ha! \n\nBoss, there's nothing like burning a bunch of spiders to death!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3RGRAVE" 5s>>

TWEEZER

Woosh! The Dryad immediately bursts into flames!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2FLIGHTER2" 4s>>

Oh no! Boss, the haint is draining your life force!\n\nStay with me Boss! \n\nOh no! It's too late!\n\n<<timedgoto "END" 5s>>

Okay, boss! We're at the local bar!\n\nUrghula the bartendrix says, "The Water Supply is the best bar in town!" Actually, boss, it's the only bar in town!\n\n[[ >I'm ready to drink!|BAR1SA]]\n[[ >It looks wild here, but I'll give it a try!|BAR1SP]]\n[[ >You seem to run a tight ship here!|BAR1UA]]\n[[ >You've drawn a shameful crowd here!|BAR1UP]]

AUGH! \n\nBOSS!\n\n@@color:red;<html>WE'RE RIGHT BY A GIGANTIC SPIDER WEB</html>@@\n\n<<if $LIGHTER eq 1>>\s\n[[ >BURN IT|DAY3RSPIDERS2]]\n<<endif>>\n[[ >Attack the spiderweb|DAY3RSPIDERATTACK]]\n[[ >Run!|DAY3RRUN]]

The Dryad was very generous to let us leave, so we should show some good faith by heading out quick, eh, Boss?\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2" 4s>>

<<if $VAR2 eq 1>>\s\n<<set $VAR3 = either(1,2,3,4)>>\s\n<<if $VAR3 eq 1>>\s\nWOOOO! Now that's some good alcohol!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2GSA7" 3s>>\n<<else if $VAR3 eq 2>>\s\nThe shot burns and you shudder and for a second you want to die, but that's what drinking is all about!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2GSA7" 3s>>\n<<else if $VAR3 eq 3>>\s\nYou haven't done this since college, but you still got the hang of it!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2GSA7" 3s>>\n<<else if $VAR3 eq 4>>\s\nYou bile up for a second but it's a false alarm!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2GSA7" 3s>>\n<<endif>>\s\n<<else if $VAR2 eq 2>>\s\n<<if $VAR4 eq 0>>\s\nOuch! That one didn't go down so good. You aren't feeling so good.\n<<silently>>\n<<set $VAR4 = 1>>\s\n<<endsilently>>\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2GSA7" 3s>>\n<<else if $VAR4 eq 1>>\s\nYou gag a couple times! You're really close to puking!\n<<silently>>\n<<set $VAR4 = 2>>\s\n<<endsilently>>\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2GSA7" 3s>>\n<<else if $VAR4 eq 2>>\s\nYou puke everywhere--and then you die of //alcohol poison//.\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2GSA6" 3s>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>

Boss, King Callegnam is looking at your Centaur Trinket!\n\n"Are you--do you support the Centaurian Movement?"\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3RGRAVE4" 5s>>

"Hello, my loyal subject," a voice says. \n\nOh my gosh--Boss, it's the spirit of King Callegnam!\n<<if $TRINKET eq 1>>\s\n<<timedgoto "DAY3RGRAVE3" 4s>>\n<<else>>\n<<timedgoto "DAY3RGRAVEEND" 4s>>\n<<endif>>

"Doktor Igor's Anti-Plague elixir is a tonic for the soul! It is all but guaranteed that you will not receive the plague if you join the millions of lixers in Tuisere! What's best is the first one is free!"\n\nWell, Boss, should you try it?\n\n[[ >Yes|ALCHEPLAGUE2]]\n[[ >No|ALCHEPLAGUENO]]

A mummy, wearing a crown, sidles up to you!\n\n"I am the mummy king! This is the anniversary of my death, and every year on this day my mummy retainers and I celebrate! Now what possible problem could you have with that?"\n\n[[ >"It isn't nice to restrict the party only to mummies."|DAY1RSP2]]\n[[ >"If those are the rules, then you know them best!"|DAY1RUP2]]\n[[ >"It is against the natural order!"|DAY1RFIGHT]]

"I am happy you understand," he says. "But listen, you seem all right. Why don't you stay, have a drink, maybe some hors d'oeuvres?"\n\n[[ >"Sure thing, Your Mumminess!"|DAY1RUP3]]\n[[ >"Never!"|DAY1RFIGHT]]

<<silently>>\n<<set $CURSE = 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\nYou and the mummies have an excellent time together! Unfortunately, the mummy's curse rubs off on you. Oh well! At least you know what scarab cake tastes like!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1" 6s>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $GROATS = ($GROATS - 50)>>\n<<set $LINING = 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\nJust as advertised, the potion is a delicious licorice flavor! You feel a warm feeling in your guts. Why, you're so coated now you could drink a horse!\n\n<<timedgoto "ALCHEMISTMAIN" 5s>>

"Hello!" says Frunk, the Souvenirist. "In Heaven there are no souvenirs, that's why we have souvenirs here!"\n\n[[ >"I believe in taking nothing but footprints."|SOUVENIRSP1]]\n[[ >"I've got money to spend and I'm ready to spend it on souvenirs."|SOUVENIRSA1]]\n[[ >"These are pretty overpriced!"|SOUVENIRUA1]]\n[[ >"How else would one remember one's trip?"|SOUVENIRUP1]]

The leader of the centaurs glares at one of the centaurs surrounding him. "Agharestia..." he says.\n\nThe centaur named Agharestia shrugs. "Listen, we all knew the risks and we all agreed going on the Rick Steves show would lose the element of surprise but gain some legitimacy. I just brought up the suggestion. We all //voted// on it."\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1FUP1B" 7s>>

Queen Ghoulia stretches out her hand and you take it.\n\n<<timedgoto "END" 6s>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $DAY = 2>>\n<<endsilently>>\nRise and shine, Boss! Time for another fun day in Tuisere!\n\nWould you like to go out on the [[town|DAY2T]], or perhaps you might want to go on an [[adventure|DAY2O]]!

<<silently>>\n<<set $DAY = 3>>\n<<endsilently>>\nWell, Boss, it's your last morning in Tuisere! Better make it count! You could do some shopping in [[town|DAY3T]], or perhaps one last romp around the [[countryside|DAY3O]]!

<<silently>>\n<<set $ANIMALMAGNETISM = 0>>\n<<set $AXE = 0>>\n<<set $BOOK = 0>>\n<<set $CAMERA = 0>>\n<<set $CROSS = 0>>\n<<set $CURSE = 0>>\n<<set $DAMAGE = 0>>\n<<set $DAY = 1>>\n<<set $DISBELIEF = 0>>\n<<set $DRYAD = 0>>\n<<set $GROATS = 100>>\n<<set $HAMMER = 0>>\n<<set $HP = 10>>\n<<set $LIGHTER = 0>>\n<<set $LINING = 0>>\n<<set $MHP = 5>>\n<<set $RESEARCH = 0>>\n<<set $SWORD = 0>>\n<<set $TEENS = 0>>\n<<set $TRINKET = 0>>\n<<set $TURNUNDEADS = 0>>\n<<set $VAR = 1>>\n<<set $VAR2 = 1>>\n<<set $VAR3 = 1>>\n<<set $VAR4 = 1>>\n<<set $VAR5 = 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\nMorning, Boss! It's your first day in Tuisere, the sun's shining, it's a beautiful day, and I think you might like to spend it on an [[adventure|DAY1O]]! On the other hand, there's plenty to do [[in town|DAY1T]] if you're more interested in shopping!

You mercilessly beat a helpless man to death. Afterwards, you defile his corpse, remove several organs and eat them, whatever the fuck you tourists do.\n<<timedgoto "DAY2RUATTACK2" 5s>>

It is hours later.\n\nThe throne room is empty.\n\nThe Castle is empty.\n\nThe //throne// is empty.\n\n[[ >Sit|NIGHT3CTURN3s]]\n[[ >Leave|NIGHT3CTURN2L]]

You raise your arms and begin to cast Toin Undeads:\n\n''//DULCE//''\n''//ET DECORUM//''\n''//EST//''\n\nQueen Ghoulia and her attendants scream.\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3CTURN2" 6s>>

The hammer hits the haint. There is a feeling as if smacking a thing of gelatin, and then the hammer travels straight through the haint.\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2CHAINT" 4s>>

Boss! Look! We're in the Tomb of King Callegnam!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3RGRAVE2" 4s>>

\n\n\n\n\nWe hope you enjoyed your stay in Tuisere.\n\nPlease come back any time.\n\n[[ >Take another trip|DAY1]]\n[[ >Lie down for a while|CREDITS]]

You know what? I give the fuck up. You're a horrible person. I'm going to get this binding overridden. I'm out.\n\n<<timedgoto "END" 3s>>

"And, after all, you should hear what Callegnam II said about their father, or what Megalodon's successor will say when the Great Transaction expires."\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2RSP6" 4s>>

"But, after all, that's just the propaganda of history. More than likely, she was accused of dark magic in order to justify Callegnam's victory."\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2RSP5" 4s>>

"But anyway, I'm afraid I have to leave on--another adventure! Remember to brush your teeth and leave school as soon as you turn fifteen, because formal education is nothing compared to--//adventures//!"\n\n//Do do do doooo!//\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2" 4s>>

"Hello!" Professor Adventure says. "I'm here investigating King Callegnam's Ruins!"\n\n[[ >"Who was King Callegnam?"|DAY2RSP2]]\n[[ >"Surely you've investigated these ruins before!|DAY2RSA1]]

"It was the brave Sir Callegnam who led the charge against the Lich Queen Julia and defeated her dark sorcery once and for all."\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2RSP4" 3s>>

"Oh," Professor Adventure says. "There were so many many regime changes in Tuisere's history. Every civilization is built on the bones of another, you know."\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2RSP3" 4s>>

That's as far as you get, Boss, because the skelethon stabs you with its dagger over and over again!\n\n<<timedgoto "END" 5s>>

Your ''<<print either("Cluelessness","Idiocy","Dimwittedness","Ignorance")>>'' decreases by <<print either (5,7,2,5)>>! \n\nYour ''<<print either("Wretchedness","Crapulence","Filthiness")>>'' decreases by <<print either(3,6,2,4)>>!\n\nYour ''<<print either("Odiousness","Dislikeability","Distastefulness")>>'' decreases by <<print either(4,6,2,3,45)>>\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1GWIN4" 5s>>

Boss! Do you hear that? It's the sound of chimes--you've leveled up!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1GWIN3" 5s>>

He shrugged, and he said, "Look, if you can get me a picture of it, I'll believe it exists. But even if someone tries to sell me a bullshit photo, I'll give them ten per cent off for trying, and they usually end up buying something."\n\n<<timedgoto "END" 6s>>

The Wllyllyll seems to turn its awareness to you for a moment, and you feel--apologizes for me telling you how you feel--but you feel //indescribable//. It is regarding you in a way that you have never before been.\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3FUA2" 6s>>

Boss, it's the middle of the night.\n\n//Where the fuck were we?//\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3FUA4" 4s>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $TURNUNDEADS = 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\nYou find a scroll! You learn the spell TOIN UNDEADS!\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1GWIN4B" 5s>>

<<if $DISBELIEF eq 1>>\nThe haint attacks!\n\nFortunately, you don't believe in spooks, so it does no damage!\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2CATTACK" 4s>>\n<<else>>\n<<silently>>\n<<set $VAR3 = either(1,2,3)>>\n<<set $VAR = ($VAR - $VAR3>>\n<<endsilently>>\n<<if $VAR3 eq 1>>\nThe haint shrieks and makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up!\n<<else if $VAR3 eq 2>>\nThe haint brushes you with a slimy tendril of ectoplasm!\n<<else if $VAR3 eq 3>>\nThe haint sends waves of death through you!\n<<endif>>\n<<if $VAR lte 0>>\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2CDEAD" 4s>>\n<<else>>\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2CATTACK" 4s>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>

The Dryad appears to be considering your apology!\n\n[[ >Attack|DAY2FATTACK2]]\n[[ >Leave|DAY2FUP2]]\n\n<<timedcycle 0.15s>>@@font-size:150%;Apology accepted, human.@@<<becomes>>Do not remain here.<<becomes>>//Stay away forever.//<<becomes>>This land does not like you.<<becomes>>@@font-color:#365260;You are not one of mine.<<becomes>>This place is not for you.<<endtimedcycle>>\n\n\n\n

\n\n@@font-size: 185%;<<timedinsert 0.4s>>O<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 0.6s>>n<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 0.8s>>c<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 1s>>e<<endtimedinsert>> <<timedinsert 1.2s>>t<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 1.4s>>h<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 1.6s>>e<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 1.8s>>r<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 2s>>e<<endtimedinsert>> <<timedinsert 2.2s>>w<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 2.4s>>a<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 2.6s>>s<<endtimedinsert>> <<timedinsert 2.8s>>a<<endtimedinsert>> <<timedinsert 3s>>g<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 3.2s>>a<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 3.4s>>m<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 3.6s>>e<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 3.8s>>.<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 4s>>.<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 4.2s>>.<<endtimedinsert>>@@\n<<timedgoto "Start2" 8s>>

KLONK\n\nThe hammer thumps against the Dryad's trunk!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2FDRYAD" 4s>>

Boss!\n\nBoss! \n\nWake up, Boss!\n\nBoss! \n\nWhy aren't you moving?\n\nBoss!\n\n<<timedgoto "END" 5s>>

"Well, Human," the centaur leader says, "my name is Emilianorry, and I am the woeful leader of the woeful centaurs. Would you listen to our plight?"\n\n[[ >"I would be honored"|DAY1FP]]\n[[ >"No, thank you--I wanted to do less-touristy things."|DAY1FUP2]]

<<timedgoto "DAY3FSA3" 0.4s>>

"You've attended the grave of Yag Harek, have you not? He was once powerful, was he not? Now he's simply another tourist attraction. All die and lose their potency. And once that happens, they're //mine//. All I have to do is wait."\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3CNIGHT2G2" 6s>>

--so we could just keep on going and maybe, I dunno, let's hit up The Water Supply and grab a nice frothy glass of trania--\n\n"I know this voice!"\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1C3" 6s>>

--because with ''NOTHING INTERESTING GOING ON IN THE CASTLE''--\n\n"Syd? Why it is! Aren't you going to introduce your friend to me?"\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1C4" 6s>>

Well, Boss, we're in the Hainted Castle, Looks like a quiet part of the Castle, no need to stick around here--\n\n"Who is there?"\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1C2" 6s>>

"My name is Doktor Igor, formerly of CP Megalodon Enterprises, and--I must give myself credit where it is due--I am responsible for much of what you see here in Tuisere."\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1CMAIN" 5s>>

Hi. Dad. This is Doktor Igor, my, uh, father, so to speak. This is the winner of that essay contest. For some reason I agreed to come //here//. \n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1C4B" 5s>>

"Not at all, Syd. I'm just happy to see you're working again. As for //you//..."\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1C6" 5s>>

Therefore, 200% of this concoction is lethally addictive. You spend the rest of your vacation hanging out with other lixers.\n\nFinally you die.\n\n<<timedgoto "END" 5s>>

What no one tells you until it's too late is that Doktor Igor's Anti Plague Elixir is made of a one hundred percent solution of heroin mixed with a one hundred percent solution of cocaine, both of which are incredibly legal in Tuisere.\n\n<<timedgoto "ALCHEPLAGUE4" 8s>>

Okay, Boss! Bottoms up!\n\n<<timedgoto "ALCHEPLAGUE3" 3s>>

<<silently>>\nThis passage intentionally left blank.\n<<endsilently>>\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3FSP4" 3s>>

So...\n\nWhat can I do for you, Your Majesty?\n\n<<timedgoto "END" 5s>>

You fucking //tourist//.\n\n<<timedgoto "END" 5s>>

There is no excuse and no redemption for what you have done; you have killed two innocents, Boss. \n\nYou deserve whatever happens to you, you monster.\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1FUA11" 5s>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $AXE eq 0>>\n<<endsilently>>\nYou fling the axe at the skelethon! \n\nIt gets stuck in the skelethon's rib cage. \n\nNice going!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1GSKELL" 4s>>

Frunk shrugs. "Not all souvenirs are for all people. Vacations aren't infinite, after all."\n\n<<timedgoto "SOUVENIRMAIN" 3s>>

I bet you have something to say about how I should have planned a stronger agenda for my guest, don't you?\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1C5" 5s>>

"Oh, kid, I'm so sorry," Gurgur says, "but that's not, like, the kind of axe that you're gonna do a bitchin' solo with or nothin'. It's, like, an ax that you chop down trees and shit with. Well, it's 35 groats if you still want it."\n\n<<if $GROATS lt 35>>\s\nBoss, you don't have enough groats!\n\n[[ >Back|SMITHYMAIN]]\n<<else>>\n\nBoss, you have <<print $GROATS>> groats. Do you want the axe?\n\n[[ >Yes|SMITHYAXE2]]\n[[ >No|SMITHYNO]]\n<<endif>>

Oh no, Boss! Duck back--it's a bunch of mummies having a party!\n\nWhat do you want to do?\n\n[[ >Crash the party|DAY1RSA1]]\n[[ >"Greetings, mummies! I would like to attend your party to learn about your culture!"|DAY1RSP1]]\n[[ >"Hey, cut that racket out! Don't you know this is a tomb?|DAY1RUA1]]\n[[ >"This isn't right! The dead should stay dead!"|DAY1RUP1]]

//We are/the dead of Tweezer/We're dancing/In our graves//\n\nHey, that's a Yag Harek song! You've probably heard his music, but everyone in Tuisere //loved// him. I wonder what that is?\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1R3" 6s>>

They say these are the ruins of an ancient temple!\n\nI wonder if we'll find treasure, or monsters. Hey, what's that?\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1R2" 6s>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $GROATS = ($GROATS - 30)>>\n<<set $LIGHTER = 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\n\n"Oh!" Frunk says. "I hope you enjoy this souvenir and that you remember Tuisere every time you light a fire!"\n\n<<timedgoto "SOUVENIRMAIN" 4s>>

The authorities find your body lying in a puddle of viscera. In the alchemist's shop, painless poisons are plentiful.\n\n<<timedgoto "END" 5s>>

"Righteoustastic, duder!" Gurgur says. "Now I can make a bodacious Blood Sword, ha ha, yeah. Come back in a week!"\n\nTo your crestfallen face, he says, "Ha ha, just kidding, man, ha ha. It'll be ready in an hour."\n\n<<timedgoto "SMITHYQ2" 6s>>

"Okay, Brosephine, I've got this Blood Sword done. It'll be five thousand groats--just kidding! It's free! Just be careful, this is a cursed sword, ha ha."\n\nWell, Boss, you've got the Ultimate Weapon!\n\n<<timedgoto "SMITHYBLOOD1" 6s>>

One hour later...\n\n<<timedgoto "SMITHYQ3" 3s>>

"Oh dear!" Drudie says. "I fear something is out of balance!"\n\nShe looks you over carefully, then gasps. "It's the mummy's curse, isn't it!"\n\n<<timedgoto "ALCHEMISTCURSE2" 5s>>

Well, Boss, you should probably stop by the [[Souvenirist|SOUVENIR1]] and get some stuff for your friends and loved ones. On the other hand, you might want to take a little magic home from the [[Alchemist|ALCHEMIST1]]!

window.either = function() { return arguments[~~(Math.random()*arguments.length)];}

<<silently>>\n<<set $GROATS = ($GROATS - 5)>>\n<<endsilently>>\nSure hits the spot, doesn't it, Boss?\n\nYou overhear: <<display "BARCHATTER">>\s\n\n<<timedgoto "BARMAIN" 5s>>

All right, Boss. Want to make one last trip to [[King Callegnam's Ruins|DAY3R1]], or how about we go into the [[Forest of Mystery|DAY3F1]] and enjoy nature one last time?

"Uh, like, whatever. Talk to me when you're accosted by goblins."\n\n<<timedgoto "SMITHYMAIN" 3s>>

The Dryad quivers. it is the wind.\n\n[[ >"Couldn't you help people by using your leaves to make medicine?"|DAY2FQ1]]\n[[ >Leave|DAY2FUP2]]\n\n<<timedcycle 0.15s>>//We are glad this beauty pleases you.//<<becomes>>@@color: #BE9B7B;Not all beauty must be admired.@@<<becomes>>This is a holy ground.<<becomes>>The earth generates life.<<becomes>>@@font-size: 150%;Things GROW.@@<<becomes>>@@opacity:0.3;Please leave.@@<<becomes>>Carry this in your heart but do not return.<<endtimedcycle>>\n

Oh shit Boss duck he's got a--\n\n<<timedgoto "END" .5s>>

--I mean, it's just, they say it can bend light, and time, and--\n\nAnd--hey, Dad, are you //listening// to me--\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1CWLLA5" 5s>>

--because you're not even //looking// at me, and I mean, this is typical you, looking through some research or other when you should be //paying attention to me//, your own //child//, and I know that you have //so many children//, I //know// you're a busy man, but maybe if you'd just been //honest// with us about how busy you are instead of your usual bullshit, oh, I love //all// my children //equally//, which was patently fucking ridiculous because whenever you deigned to hang out with one of your "children" you always hung out with that fucking vampire, and I don't even //remember// there being a single legend from the Classic Period that had to do with a vampire or anything, so I don't even know where you got that idea from anyway and //Dad are you even fucking listening to me//?\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1CWLLA6" 4s>>

Have we, uh, done this before, Boss?\n\nWell, uh, Boss--I think we should show it to Dad, but it's up to you.\n\n[[ >"Sure!"|NIGHT1CWLLA3]]\n[[ >"I think that's a bad idea."|NIGHT1CWLLA2B]]

Hey, Dad, we, uh, found this.\n\nWe don't remember this, I don't think we've //been// there, but, uh, I--uh--\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1CWLLA4" 5s>>

The Dryad attacks!\n\nThe Dryad scratches out your eyes!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2FDRYAD2" 3s>>

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"Ah! The Skelethon is actually a nonliving, soulless entity. It's not exactly a desecration and certainly nothing I created--it's more akin to a natural phenomena. Suffice it to say, slaying one will not affect your karma meter."\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1CMAIN" 6s>>

Actually, Boss, that conversation is none of your business!\n\n"Would you hear our plight?" Emilianorry asks.\n\n[[ >"I would be honored"|DAY1FP]]\n[[ >"No, thank you."|DAY1SP2]]

Emilanorry's head explodes into a mass of blood, brain, and gore!\n\nThe mass of blood, brain, and gore splatters all over you, me--holy shit--and the other centaurs!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1FUA3" 6s>>

You pull out the Book of Exorcism. The haint shrieks at the very sight of it!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2CBOOK2" 4s>>

Hey, Boss, do you hear someone humming? It sounds like the Professor Adventure theme!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2R2" 3s>>

//Do do dooo doooo, do do dooooo//\n\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2R3" 2s>>

//Do do do do do dooooooo, la la la doooo//\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2R4" 2s>>

//Doo wa la lo la lo, wa wa wa wa--//\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2R5" 2s>>

//Dum dum dum dooo...//\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2R6" 1s>>

//Do do do DOOOOOO...do DOOOOOOOOOO!//\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2R7" 2s>>

Boss! That's not just a Professor Adventure Impersonator poking around the ruins! It's Professor Adventure himself in the flesh!\n\nWhat should we do!\n\n[[ >Attack|DAY2RUA1]]\n[[ >"Hello, Professor!|DAY2RSP1]]

<<if $VAR eq 1>>\s\n"Oh, Billy," Beth says, stroking his hair. "If only you'd paced yourself." She shrugs and turns to you. "Well, you won fair and square! I guess you're pretty cool after all!"\n<<else if $VAR eq 2>>\s\n"You bastard," Vince says, staring at Gina's corpse. "Well, I guess we did challenge you to the contest. Anyway, you're cool enough to party with now!"\n<<else if $VAR eq 3>>\s\n"She was my best friend!" Gina says through tears. She blinks, then looks at you. "Man, though, I wish she'd lived long enough to know how cool you are!"\n<<else if $VAR eq 4>>\s\n"Bro!" Billy says, shaking Vince's cold body. "Bro, wake up!" But Vince is dead. Billy turns to you. "I'm gonna need a new bro now. What about you?"\n<<endif>>\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2GSA10" 5s>>

<<if $VAR5 eq 0>>\s\n<<set $VAR2 = either(1,1,1,2)>>\n<<else if $VAR5 eq 1>>\s\n<<set $VAR2 = either(1,1,2,2)>>\n<<else if $VAR5 eq 2>>\s\n<<set $VAR2 = either(1,2,2,2)>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<if $VAR eq 1>> Billy<<else if $VAR eq 2>> Gina<<else if $VAR eq 3>> Beth<<else if $VAR eq 4>> Vince<<endif>> takes a shot!\n<<silently>>\nGive a delay for a second or two here, then reveal the next bit\n<<endsilently>>\n<<if $VAR2 eq 1>>\s\n<<set $VAR3 = either(1,2,3,4)>>\n<<if $VAR3 eq 1>>\s\n"WOOOOOO" <<if $VAR eq 1>> Billy<<else if $VAR eq 2>> Gina<<else if $VAR eq 3>> Beth<<else if $VAR eq 4>> Vince<<endif>> screams!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2GSA4" 3s>>\n<<else if $VAR3 eq 2>>\s\n<<if $VAR eq 1>> Billy<<else if $VAR eq 2>> Gina<<else if $VAR eq 3>> Beth<<else if $VAR eq 4>> Vince<<endif>> shudders!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2GSA4" 3s>>\n<<else if $VAR3 eq 3>>\s\n<<if $VAR eq 1>> Billy<<else if $VAR eq 2>> Gina<<else if $VAR eq 3>> Beth<<else if $VAR eq 4>> Vince<<endif>> pounds the table but holds the shot down!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2GSA4" 3s>>\n<<else if $VAR3 eq 4>>\s\nFor a second you think <<if $VAR eq 1>> Billy<<else if $VAR eq 2>> Gina<<else if $VAR eq 3>> Beth<<else if $VAR eq 4>> Vince<<endif>> is gonna puke but then <<if $VAR eq 1>> he<<else if $VAR eq 2>> she<<else if $VAR eq 3>> she<<else if $VAR eq 4>> he<<endif>> doesn't!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2GSA4" 3s>>\n<<endif>>\n<<else if $VAR2 eq 2>>\s\n<<if $VAR5 eq 0>>\s\n<<silently>>\n<<set $VAR5 = 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\n<<if $VAR eq 1>> Billy<<else if $VAR eq 2>> Gina<<else if $VAR eq 3>> Beth<<else if $VAR eq 4>> Vince<<endif>> holds <<if $VAR eq 1>> his<<else if $VAR eq 2>> her<<else if $VAR eq 3>> her<<else if $VAR eq 4>> his<<endif>> head in <<if $VAR eq 1>> his<<else if $VAR eq 2>> her<<else if $VAR eq 3>> her<<else if $VAR eq 4>> his<<endif>> hands and needs a second to recover!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2GSA4" 3s>>\n<<else if $VAR5 eq 1>>\s\n<<silently>>\n<<set $VAR5 = 2>>\n<<endsilently>>\n<<if $VAR eq 1>> Billy<<else if $VAR eq 2>> Gina<<else if $VAR eq 3>> Beth<<else if $VAR eq 4>> Vince<<endif>> gags and sputters.\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2GSA4" 3s>>\n<<else if $VAR5 eq 2>>\s\n<<if $VAR eq 1>> Billy<<else if $VAR eq 2>> Gina<<else if $VAR eq 3>> Beth<<else if $VAR eq 4>> Vince<<endif>> collapses to the ground, dead. You've won!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2GSA9" 3s>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>

Great job, boss. Because you died on my watch, I got fired and sued! Now I live on the streets with nary a groat to my name! Eventually I'm going to die of cold.\n\n<<timedgoto "END" 5s>>

"Ha, what a wuss!" the teenagers say. <<if $VAR eq 1>> Billy<<else if $VAR eq 2>> Gina<<else if $VAR eq 3>> Beth<<else if $VAR eq 4>> Vince<<endif>> laughs particularly hard. You slink back to town with your tail between your legs.\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3" 5s>>

<<if $LINING eq 1>>\s\n<<set $VAR2 = 1>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $VAR4 eq 0>>\s\n<<set $VAR2 = either(1,1,1,1,1,2)>>\n<<else if $VAR4 eq 1>>\s\n<<set $VAR2 = either(1,1,1,1,2,2)>>\n<<else if $VAR4 eq 2>>\s\n<<set $VAR2 = either(1,1,1,2,2,2)>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\nOkay, boss, time to take a shot...\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2GSA4B" 3s>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $VAR = either(1,2,3,4)>>\n<<endsilently>>\n<<if $VAR eq 1>>\s\nThey pick Billy McGill! He's the toughest kid in the eighth grade! Kicked out of the PAL basketball team for throwing a basketball so hard at the back of another player's head that the force knocked his eyeball out and it was hanging by a string!\n<<else if $VAR eq 2>>\s\nThey pick Gina! She's seventeen and has picked up a few tricks over the years--including alcoholism!\n<<else if $VAR eq 3>>\s\nThey pick Beth! Don't let her perky demeanor and friendly, organized nature fool you: She will kill you if given half a chance!\n<<else if $VAR eq 4>>\s\nThey pick Vince! He may be weak and pale and sickly, but he's got a fierce competitive nature and he won't go down easily!\n<<endif>>\n\nOkay, boss, you ready?\n\n[[ >Let's go!|NIGHT2GSA4]]\n[[ >I changed my mind|NIGHT2GSA5]]

Okay, Boss! You and the kids are gonna have the drinkingest drinking competition ever! The kids are choosing their champion...\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2GSA3" 5s>>

The teenagers laugh. "Sure. My parents always did tell me to respect my elders."\n\n[[ >Challenge them to a drinking competition|NIGHT2GSA2]]\n[[ >"Let's rap. Why do you hate grownups so much?"|NIGHT2GSP2]]

Tears come to Urghula's eyes. "I have never been happier! Now finally, perhaps, my father can get some rest. You're drinking free this evening!"\n\n<<timedgoto "BARQ2" 5s>>

"Now that," Frunk says, "is a wonderful souvenir! Attractive //and// functional, it contains a picturesque scene of the Forest of Mystery, and it's only 30 groats!"\n\n<<if $GROATS lt 30>>\s\nBoss, you don't have enough groats!\n\n[[ >Back|SOUVENIRMAIN]]\n\n<<else>>\nBoss, you have <<print $GROATS>> groats! Would you like the lighter?\n\n[[ >Yes|SOUVENIRLIGHTER2]]\n[[ >No|SOUVENIRNO]]\n<<endif>>

"Unfortunately, I cannot brew up any antidotes for you, for they require Dryad Leaves, and I cannot get them."\n\n<<if $DRYAD eq 1>>\s\nHey, Drudie! We got some Dryad Leaves right here!\n<<timedgoto "ALCHEANTIDOTE2" 4s>>\n<<else>>\n<<timedgoto "ALCHEMISTMAIN" 4s>>\n<<endif>>

The vampire bounces off of you as if repelled by an invisible force!\n\nBoss! The Cross of Gold is glowing!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3GCROSS2" 6s>>

Well, Boss, I guess it's as good a day as any to go into the Forest, but it's a little quiet don't you think?\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3F2" 5s>>

I mean, I don't understand it, there's no birds, no squirrels, nothing, it's almost as if...\n\n@@opacity: 0; filling fillingfillingfilling @@ @@opacity: 0.03;<<timedinsert 0.4s>>W<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 0.5s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 0.6s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 0.7s>>y<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 0.8s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 0.9s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 1s>>y<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 1.1s>>l <<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 1.2s>>y<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 1.3s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 1.4s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 1.5s>>w<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 1.6s>>l<<endtimedinsert>>@@\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3F4" 3s>>

I mean, if you ask me, it's almost a little //too// quiet, but that's kind of a cliche, don't you think, Boss?\n\n@@opacity: 0; filling filling filling filling @@ @@opacity: 0.02;<<timedinsert 0.4s>>Y<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 0.5s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 0.6s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 0.7s>>y<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 0.8s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 0.9s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 1s>>y<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 1.1s>>l<<endtimedinsert>>@@\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3F3" 3s>>

Oh no, Boss! I never thought it was //real//, everyone thought it was just a Tuiserian myth, but it's the //Wllyllyll//!\n\n@@opacity: 0;fillingfillingfill @@ @@opacity: 0.09;<<timedinsert 0.4s>>W<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 0.5s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 0.6s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 0.7s>>y<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 0.8s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 0.9s>>l<<endtimedinsert>> <<timedinsert 1s>>y<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 1.1s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 1.2s>>l<<endtimedinsert>> <<timedinsert 1.3s>>y<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 1.4s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 1.5s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 1.6s>>w<<endtimedinsert>> <<timedinsert 1.7s>>w<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 1.8s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 1.9s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 2s>>y<<endtimedinsert>> <<timedinsert 2.1s>>y<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 2.2s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 2.3s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 2.4s>>w<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 2.5s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 2.6s>>l<<endtimedinsert>> <<timedinsert 2.7s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 2.8s>>w<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 2.9s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 3s>>w<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 3.1s>>w<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 3.2s>>y<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 3.3s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 3.4s>> !<<endtimedinsert>>@@\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3F6" 4s>>

Boss? Did you hear that?\n\n@@opacity: 0; fillingfillingfilling@@ @@opacity: 0.06;<<timedinsert 0.4s>>W<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 0.5s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 0.6s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 0.7s>>y<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 0.8s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 0.9s>>l<<endtimedinsert>> <<timedinsert 1s>>y<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 1.1s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 1.2s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 1.3s>>y<<endtimedinsert>> <<timedinsert 1.4s>>w<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 1.5s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 1.6s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 1.7s>>y<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 1.8s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 1.9s>>l<<endtimedinsert>> <<timedinsert 2s>>w<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 2.1s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 2.2s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 2.3s>>y<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 2.4s>>w<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 2.5s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 2.6s>>y<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 2.7s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 2.8s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 2.9s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 3s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 3.1s>>l<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 3.2s>> !<<endtimedinsert>>@@\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3F5" 3.5s>>

Boss, whatever you do is up to you, but leave me out of this!\n\n[[ >Approach the Wllyllyll|DAY3FSP1]]\n[[ >"Hello, Forest Spirit. I can see you are a great and powerful entity!"|DAY3FUA1]]\n[[ >Back away slowly, showing the Wyllyllyll you mean no harm.|DAY3FUP1]]\n<<if $CAMERA eq 1>>\s\n[[ >Take a photo|DAY3FSA1]]\n<<endif>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $VAR = 10>>\n<<set $VAR2 = 5>>\n<<endsilently>>\nA HAINT appears!\n\nCommand?\n\n[[ >Fight|NIGHT2CFIGHT]]\n[[ >Item|NIGHT2CITEM]]\n[[ >Run|NIGHT2CRUN]]

"Ah, the centaurs. So proud they once were, and now, they're just a bunch of thugs who know Powerpoint. 'Four Legs' is unfortunately catchy."\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1CMAIN" 5s>>

"Why, imagine if everyone in the world got to go on adventures all the time!"\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2RSP6" 3s>>

"Remember: We see adventures not as they are but as we are."\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2RSA3" 3s>>

"Those who do not readventure are doomed to have the same adventure over and over again!"\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2RSA4" 1.5s>>

"Of course," says Professor Adventure. "I am no novice Adventurer! But the fun thing about adventures is you never end up having the same adventure twice!"\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2RSA2" 3s>>

"ADVENTURES RULE"\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2RSA7" .5s>>

"Sorry, I just get so carried away with the thought of having adventures! You should become a Professor of Adventure! Everyone should!"\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2RSA8" 3s>>

"Il n'y a pas une hors-aventure!"\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2RSA5" 1s>>

"Life is an adventure made for an adventurer!"\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2RSA6" .5s>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $VAR = 0>>\n<<endsilently>>\nThank you very much for listening to this presentation on the history of centaurs. Would you like to contribute 20 groats to the Centaur Fund?\n\n[[ >Yes|DAY1FP9]]\n[[ >No|DAY1FP8B]]

<<silently>>\n<<set $GROATS = ($GROATS-20)>>\n<<set $TRINKET = 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\n\nThank you very much for your donation. Please enjoy this Centaur Trinket.\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1FP10" 5s>>

Frunk shows off an ancient-looking camera. "The Camera Popularica is the rare souvenir which can itself generate souvenirs. Because of magic, it can take an infinite number of photos and is yours for the price of 80 groats."\n\n<<if $GROATS gte 80>>\s\nBoss, you have <<print $GROATS>> groats. Do you want to buy the Camera Popularica?\n\n[[ >Yes|SOUVENIRCAMERA2]]\n[[ >No|SOUVENIRNO]]\n<<else>>\nBoss, you don't have enough!\n\n[[ >Next|SOUVENIRMAIN]]\n<<endif>>

Smash! The hammer smashes into the skelethon, smashing it!\n\n<<silently>>\n<<set $DAMAGE either(4,2,3)>>\n<<set $MHP = ($MHP - $DAMAGE)>>\n<<endsilently>>\n<<if $DAMAGE eq 2>>\s\nYou chip off a little piece of the skelethon's bone!\n<<else if $DAMAGE eq 3>>\s\nYou knock some of the bones off the skelethon!\n<<else if $DAMAGE eq 4>>\s\nYou hit the skelethon hard, sending bones clattering!\n<<endif>>\n<<if $MHP lte 0>>\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1GWIN" 4s>>\n<<else>>\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1GSKELL" 4s>>\n<<endif>>

Uh oh, Boss! There's some goth teens hanging out by that [[grave|NIGHT2GGRAVE]]! They're drinking and smoking and //swearing//! \n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2G2" 5s>>

The history of the centaurs begins in ancient times. Nearly every myth and legend from the Kingdom of Tuisere featured one. So iconic were they to the kingdom that one even appeared on the aegis of the famous King Callegnam.\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1FP3" 6s>>

In 1927, when CP Megalodon enacted the Great Transaction, centaurs were at the heart of his vision. Using his millions, he financed the research of one Doktor Igor, a mad genetic scientist.\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1FP4" 6s>>

Igor, once discredited by the scientific community but now invigorated, set to work. He began to splice and create many of the creatures referred to in Tuiserian legends: Haints, Kobolds, Skelethons, Goblins, even--if you believe the rumors, a Wllyllyll.\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1FP4B" 6s>>

Immediately put to work as guides and attendants, the centaurs were indoctrinated into a culture borne of Tuiserian legend. And yet, the centaurs believed themselves happy. For over forty years, the centaurs toiled.\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1FP6" 6s>>

In 1971, beloved Tuiserian folk singer Yag Harek released the single "Four Legs", dedicated to the miserable state of the centaur. The single, an instant hit (as was the case with all of Harek's post-1968 work until his still-unsolved murder in '73), brought international attention upon the centaur.\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1FP6B" 7s>>

To celebrate Centaurian Independence, Yag Harek held a centaur-only concert in the Forest of Mystery--he was the only human at the concert, even hiring an all-centaur band to back him up, and every year, "Four Legs" is heard in the centaur sections of the Forest.\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1FP8" 6s>>

You swing the axe and chop the Dryad's face to splinters!\n\nThe Dryad collapses to the ground, exhausted!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2FAXE4" 4a>>

You swing the axe and chop the Dryad in half!\n\n@@color:yellow;BONUS HIT@@\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2FAXE3" 4s>>

Woo! It's not every day you manage to kill a minor deity!\n\nLet's go back to the hotel and figure out what adventures we'll have tonight!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2" 4s>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $DRYAD = 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\nBoss! You got Dryad Leaves!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2FAXE5" 4s>>

You read:\n\n"Congratulations! Your essay, '20 Reasons I Want To Go To Tuisere' has been accepted as a winner in our--"\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2CLETTER2" 4s>>

"Syd, have you not enlightened your friend here about what a Guardian Pixie is? I would think that would be the first thing--"\n\nUh--Boss, we'll talk all about it later. Maybe you'd better ask something else. For my sake.\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1CMAIN" 6s>>

The skeleton looks at the pretty flame for a moment, then attacks!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1GSKELL" 5s>>

The Dryad is quivering. It is a cooling breeze. \n\n[[ >"I understand. I'll leave."|DAY2FUP2]]\n[[ >Attack the Dryad.|DAY2FATTACK2]]\n\n<<timedcycle 0.15s>>@@opacity:0.3;Human, we do not need you.@@<<becomes>>//The trees are separate from humans.//<<becomes>>Why is everything coexistence with you?<<becomes>>You die so much sooner than we do.<<becomes>>@@font-size:150%;What do you have to offer us?@@<<becomes>>We don't wish to deal with you.<<becomes>>@@color:white;We've already made our dealings.@@<<endtimedcycle>>

The Dryad is quivering. It is a late summer haze.\n\n[["I understand. I'll leave."|DAY2FUP2]]\n[["Surely there is something of value we can give you."|DAY2FQ2]]\n\n<<timedcycle 0.15s>>@@font-size:150%;That is impossible.@@<<becomes>>We cannot help.<<becomes>>//We would be opening the door to further intrusion.//<<becomes>>We cannot only say yes once.<<becomes>>@@color:#DCCAB6;The forest would be overrun.@@<<becomes>>Your people would destroy us.<<becomes>>We would be overwhelmed.<<endtimedcycle>>\n\n\n

You take the sword out of its scabbard and wave it around--no, wait, Boss, that's not right! It more looks like--//it looks like the sword is controlling you//.\n\n<<timedgoto "SMITHYBLOOD3" 5s>>

You slash--or the sword slashes--it hits Gurgur, who screams!\n\nYou keep slashing!\n\n<<timedgoto "SMITHYBLOOD4" 5s>>

The Blood Sword begins to hum an eerie tune!\n\n<<timedgoto "SMITHYBLOOD2" 4s>>

Oh, God, Boss--stay back--!\n\n<<timedgoto "END" 3s>>

Gurgur collapses to the floor, ultra-dead!\n\n<<timedgoto "SMITHYBLOOD5" 4s>>

Boss--what the hell came over you?\n\nWhat--why are you grinning like that?!\n\n<<timedgoto "SMITHYBLOOD6" 5s>>

"Megalodon is not eternal. I am."\n\n<<if $TEENS gte 1>>\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3CNIGHT2G" 4s>>\n<<else>>\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3CEND" 4s>>\n<<endif>>

Choose a weapon!\n\n<<if $AXE eq 1>>\n[[ >Axe|NIGHT2CAXE]]\n<<endif>>\n<<if $SWORD eq 1>>\n[[ >Sword|NIGHT2CSWORD]]\n<<endif>>\n<<if $HAMMER eq 1>>\n[[ >Hammer|NIGHT2CHAMMER]]\n<<endif>>\n[[ >Fists|NIGHT2CFISTS]]

<<display "NIGHT1CWIN3">>

"Wonderful!" Drudie says. "Now I'm afraid I also need some Fontanelle! You can find it in the Mountains of Treachery!"\n\nOh, no, Boss! That's two days' walk from here! I'm afraid we can't get an antidote after all!\n\n<<timedgoto "ALCHEMISTMAIN" 5s>>

"Aaight, catch ya on the flip side, buddy."\n\n<<if $DAY eq 1>>\s\n<<timedgoto "DAY2" 4s>>\n<<else if $DAY eq 2>>\s\n<<timedgoto "DAY3" 4s>>\n<<else if $DAY eq 3>>\s\n<<timedgoto "END" 4s>>\n<<endif>>

She smiles. "Nature and humanity, in harmony--that's exactly it!"\n\n<<timedgoto "ALCHEMISTMAIN" 3s>>

Oh no! One of the spiders bites you in the face!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3RSPIDERATTACK2" 4s>>

When the authorities come, they find you at the smithy desperately trying to sew Gurgur's pieces back together.\n\nThey move to arrest you, but then they begin to swell.\n\n<<timedgoto "END" 6s>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $ANIMALMAGNETISM = 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\n\nYou find a scroll of Animal Magnetism!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2CRUN" 4s>>

Queen Ghoulia laughs and it is the scrape of leaves. "As if a corporation could //own land//. As if a rich upstart could take the reins of history. As if people would follow //money// over //tradition//.\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3CUP1B" 6s>>

The Wllyllyll regards you with--to call it curiosity would be to attempt to understand it--as you back slowly away. I think we're out of its awareness now--although there's some who say that its awareness is infinite.\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3FUP3" 6s>>

I don't know how I feel knowing something like that really exists in my country.\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3" 5s>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $GROATS = ($GROATS + 50)>>\n<<endsilently>>\nThe skelethon poofs into a pile of dust! \n\nYou win!\n\nYou get 500 experience points!\n\nYou get 50 groats!\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1GWIN2" 5s>>

You know, Boss, that's the best idea. Any true Tuiserian would feel the same way. I think you've made the right decision. \n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3FUP2" 6s>>

Finally, in 1972, bowing to pressure, James McGill, president of CP Megalodon Enterprises, freed the centaurs. \n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1FP7" 6s>>

"Mummification was the preferred method of entombment in King Callegnam's day. During the 1920s, I tried to bow to popular trends by bringing mummies to life, but they didn't appreciate it! They called me mad! But I showed them! Didn't I! @@color:red;DIDN'T I@@!"\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1CMAIN" 6s>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $DAMAGE = either(1,2,3)>>\n<<set $MHP = ($MHP - $DAMAGE)>>\n<<endsilently>>\n<<if $DAMAGE eq 1>>\s\nYou give the skelethon such a slap!\n\n<<else if $DAMAGE eq 2>>\s\nYou pop the skelethon right in the kisser!\n\n<<else if $DAMAGE eq 3>>\s\nYou give the skelethon what-for!\n\n<<endif>>\n<<if $MHP lte 0>>\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1GWIN" 4s>>\n<<else>>\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1GSKELL" 4s>>\n<<endif>>

You read:\n\n"Congratulations! Your essay, '20 Reasons I Want To Go To Tuisere' has been accepted as a winner in our 'Why Do You Want To Go To Tuisere?' Contest! As First Prize, Triptacular Magazine, a division of CP Megalodon Enterprises, would like to--"\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1GLETTER2" 5s>>

Yeah...maybe that's a good idea. \n\n<<if $LIGHTER eq 1>>\s\nI'm just gonna take your lighter and burn this.\n<<endif>>\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1CMAIN 5s>>

Well, Boss, it's, uh, been nice traveling with you.\n\nSay hi to Yag Harek for me.\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3CNIGHT2G3Y2" 4s>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $DAMAGE = either(1,2,3)>>\n<<set $HP = ($HP - $DAMAGE)>>\n<<endsilently>>\n<<if $DAMAGE eq 1>>\s\nThe skelethon slashes at you! Ow!\n\n<<else if $DAMAGE eq 2>>\s\nThe skelethon cuts deep!\n\n<<else if $DAMAGE eq 3>>\s\nThe skelethon fucking STABS you!\n\n<<endif>>\n<<if $HP lte 0>>\s\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1GDEAD" 4s>>\n<<else>>\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1GATTACK" 4s>>\n<<endif>>

You hear a rumbling sound.\n\nIt's a herd of mongeese!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3RSNAKEMAGNET2" 4s>>

"Now //that//," Frunk says, "is a horrifying little item called the Book of Exorcism. It's good for one thing and one thing only: \n\n"@@color:red;''<html>A PAPERWEIGHT! HAINTS DON'T EXIST!</html>''@@"\n\n"Would you like it anyway? It's 15 groats."\n\n<<if $GROATS lt 15>>\s\nBoss, you don't have enough groats!\n\n[[ >Back|SOUVENIRMAIN]]\n<<else>>\n\nBoss, you have <<print $GROATS>> groats! Would you like the Book of Exorcism?\n\n[[ >Yes|SOUVENIRBOOK2]]\n[[ >No|SOUVENIRNO]]\n<<endif>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $SWORD eq 0>>\n<<endsilently>>\n\nYou swing the sword at the Dryad! It lodges in the Dryad's trunk and refuses to come out!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2FDRYAD" 4s>>

Frunk shrugs as if to say, //it's not my fault, I don't make the prices//. \n\nWhich, I mean, he //does//, of course.\n\n<<timedgoto "SOUVENIRMAIN" 3s>>

"Oh, wow," says Drudie, the Alchemist. "Welcome to our lovely country. I brew potions and reagents and elixirs using the magical properties of Nature!"\n\n[[ >"That sounds like a wild time!"|ALCHEMISTSA1]]\n[[ >"How wonderful--using the Earth itself to heal the body."|ALCHEMISTSP1]]\n[[ >"Give me good old-fashioned Western medicine any day!"|ALCHEMISTUA1]]\n[[ >"I just hope everything's been tested!"|ALCHEMISTUP1]]

Chop chop!\n\nUgh! There's rat parts everywhere!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3RSPIDERS" 4s>>

"Woah, take a chill pill! Maybe you should, like, not attack things and shit."\n\n<<timedgoto "SMITHYMAIN" 3s>>

Welcome to the Hainted Castle of Queen Ghoulia, Boss!\n\nBrr! It's pretty spooky in here, isn't it?\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2C2" 4s>>

Quick, Boss, what do we do?\n\n[[ >Talk to it|NIGHT2CSP1]]\n[[ >Attack!|NIGHT2CATTACK1]]\n[[ >Run|NIGHT2CRUN]]

//OooooOoooOOoOoOoOOooOOoooo//\n\nOh no, Boss! Do you hear that? It's a haint and it's headed this way!\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2C3" 5s>>

"We could get jobs!" Vince shouts.\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2GSP9" 4s>>

"I'm gonna miss you," Beth says, giving you a huge hug. She steps back, purses her lips, and points an accusatory finger in your face. "You'd better write, you hear?" And then she smiles and all is right with the world forever.\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2GSP10" 5s>>

Careful, Boss! I think this is the Throne Room of the Hainted Castle!\n\n"Human," you hear a regal voice say, "We have been watching you in this land. Please step forward and address Us."\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3C2" 6s>>

You strut confidently onto the floor and grab a cup of Mummy Punch. Mummies begin to notice you and suddenly the whole room is staring at you.\n\nA mummy wearing a crown sidles up to you. "What are you doing here, human?"\n\n[[ >"I thought this was a costume party, dress as a human."|DAY1RSA2]]\n[[ >"Don't say 'human' like that. It isn't nice!"|DAY1RSP2]]\n[[ >"I'm just crashing your stupid party...dead man."|DAY1RUA1]]

He laughs. "Human, you're all right. Why not dance the Mummy Dance with us!"\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1RUP3" 6s>>

"Oh yeah?" one of the teens said. "What did you do about it?"\n\n[[ >"I usually just got wasted!"|NIGHT2GSA2]]\n[[ >"I talked about it with good friends!"|NIGHT2GSP2]]

"I just, I'm so sick of my //mom//," one of the girls says.\n\n"Yeah," another says. "She keeps //talking// to me."\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2GSP2B" 5s>>

Several hours later...\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2GSP4" 3s>>

"I'm so glad we became friends!" Beth says, giving you a huge hug.\n\n"I was just thinking," Billy says, "that this has been the best summer of my life!"\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2GSP5" 5s>>

"Me too, bro," Vince says, looking up from the joint he's rolling. "I can't believe I got mad at my mom and dad for taking us to this stupid place. No--for taking us to this //wonderful// place."\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2GSP6" 5s>>

"I got a great idea!" Gina says. "Let's get all our parents together and we'll all have dinner together tonight! That way we can share a little bit of our lives with them!"\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2GSP7" 5s>>

"That's all they want, really," Beth says.\n\n"And would it kill us to get haircuts or clean our rooms every once in a while or maybe even do the dishes?"\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2GSP8" 5s>>

Psst! Boss! Uh, look what I found in my pocket.\n\nIt's, uh, a photo of a Wllyllyll.\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1CWLLA2" 5s>>

You have, in your satchel:\n\n[[ >A crumpled letter|NIGHT2CLETTER]]\n<<if $LIGHTER eq 1>>\s\n[[ >A souvenir lighter|NIGHT2CLIGHTER]]\n<<endif>>\n<<if $BOOK eq 1>>\s\n[[ >The Book of Exorcism|NIGHT2CBOOK]]\n<<endif>>\n[[ >Back|NIGHT2CATTACK]]

A Dryad draws near!\n\nCommand?\n\n[[ >Fight|DAY2FATTACKFIGHT]]\n[[ >Item|DAY2FATTACKITEM]]

All of a sudden, Frunk gasps. "You have a most unwelcome souvenir!" he screams. "The mummy's curse!"\n\n<<timedgoto "SOUVENIRCURSE2" 5s>>

//Chitter!//\n//Chitter!//\n//Chitter!//\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3RRATS2" 4s>>

You swing the axe and manage to chop the Dryad's arms off!\n\n@@color:yellow;BONUS HIT@@\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2FAXE2" 4s>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $GROATS = ($GROATS - 15)>>\n<<set $BOOK = 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\n\n"Oh!" Frunk says. "I hope you find it interesting! Local Tuiserian legend, as ridiculous as it may be, is often edifying!"\n\n<<timedgoto "SOUVENIRMAIN" 4s>>

Fast as we can, boss. I'm with you.\n\nDon't turn around. Just run.\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2" 5s>>

"Ha ha! Teenagers are not a monster that I created. They're ordinary humans. Interestingly, since it's perfectly legal to murder an individual who is believed to be possessed, Tuisere has the highest teen murder rate in the world. It's a shame, really."\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1CMAIN" 6s>>

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Well, Boss, you absolutely have to go to [[The Water Supply|BAR1]] and have a drink! Of course, if you're looking to handle some weaponry, we could stop by the [[Smithyteria|SMITHY1]]!

You wave the lighter at the haint. It does not notice.\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2CHAINT" 3s>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $WLLPHOTO = 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\nLook, I know you're probably really proud of that, but trust me--it's just gonna come out blank. \n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3FSA3B" 5s>>

I'm hoping you're not one of those "Let's go to the [[graveyard|NIGHT1G1]] folks. Of course, that leaves the [[Hainted Castle|NIGHT1C1]], which might be too scary for you!

Oh, cute, the old "try to take a photo of the Wllyllyll" trick. This is cute. Go ahead.\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3FSA2" 5s>>

Okay, Boss, last night in Tuisere, and you're going to spend it in a graveyard like a creepy teenager. \n\nHey, it's your vacation.\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3G2" 6s>>

Oh no, Boss! Duck back! There's a vampire skulking around!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3G3" 5s>>

What do you want to do? Run away, right?\n\n[[ >"Right!"|NIGHT3GRUN]]\n[[ >"Nah, let's slay it!"|NIGHT3G4]]

Boss! You're not Buffy!\n\nOh, they never listen, do they!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3G5" 5s>>

"Ah-ah-ah!" the vampire says, sensing you. "I vant to suck your blood!"\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3G5B" 5s>>

The vampire pounces before you can react! \n\n<<if $CROSS eq 1>>\s\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3GCROSS" 5s>>\n<<else>>\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3G7" 5s>>\n<<endif>>

<<silently>>\n\nThis passage intentionally left blank>>\n\n<<endsilently>>\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3G8" 3s>>

All right, Master. Vere do you vant to go?\n\n[[ >The bar|NIGHT3G9]]\n[[ >The achemist's|NIGHT3G9]]\n[[ >The smithy|NIGHT3G9]]\n[[ >The souvenirist|NIGHT3G9]]

As you vish, Master.\n\nAh-ah-ah.\n\n<<timedgoto "END" 5s>>

Agharestia collapses on top of Emilianorry! \n\nShe sobs three times then dies!\n\nOh, God, Boss, the look on her face--!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1FUA4" 6s>>

Drudie holds out a purple beaker. "Dionysus's Lining will coat the stomach with a delicious, licorice-flavored barrier, preventing the body from absorbing alcohol. Proves helpful with the treatment of alcoholism. It'll be 50 groats."\n\n<<if $GROATS gte 50>>\s\nBoss, you have <<print $GROATS>> groats. Quaff the potion?\n\n[[ >Yes|ALCHENIGHT2G2]]\n[[ >No|ALCHEMISTNO]]\n<<else>>\nBoss, you only have <<print $GROATS>> groats! You can't afford it!\n\n[[ >Back|ALCHEMISTMAIN]]\n<<endif>>

"Interesting," she says. "You would feel no guilt? And yet, how could you? This is not your land. But perhaps you sense that there is no way to save the Forest anymore. No event can be erased."\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3CEND" 6s>>

"That's the spirit! Let me show you what I have for sale!"\n\n<<timedgoto "SOUVENIRMAIN" 3s>>

<<timedinsert 0.5s>>\n[img[http://corruptreality.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/title8.gif]]<<endtimedinsert>>\n\n<<timedinsert 2s>>@@color: #fff;a fucking RPG@@<<endtimedinsert>>\n\n<<timedinsert 3.5s>>@@font-size: 95%;//A game written by [[Richard Goodness|https://twitter.com/richardgoodness]] and designed by [[PaperBlurt| https://twitter.com/PaperBlurt]]//@@<<endtimedinsert>>\n\n\n\n\n<<timedinsert 5.5s>>\n@@font-size: 250%;[[START|INITIALIZE]]@@<<endtimedinsert>>

"Interesting," she says. "You would give up your life to save a land that you're merely a visitor to? And yet I don't doubt your sincerity. Still, I don't think you're too upset to find out that this was merely a hypothetical? There is no way to save the Forest of Mystery."\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3CEND" 6s>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $GROATS = ($GROATS - 80)>>\n<<set $CAMERA = 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\n\nOkay, Boss! I guess I'll carry this thing around in case you end up needing it.\n\n"Have fun!" Frunk says. "If you can get a photo of the legendary Wllyllyll, I'll give you a prize!"\n\n<<timedgoto "SOUVENIRMAIN" 5s>>

Actually, that conversation is none of your business!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1" 5s>>

The mummies swarm!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1RFIGHT2" 5s>>

Don't worry. If you're ever in town again and you show it to Frunk at the souvenir shop, he'll probably give you a discount.\n\nLet's get home.\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3" 5s>>

It takes a long time to bleed to death from a shot to the stomach. The centaurs will make sure you don't get medical attention.\n\nThey will make sure you do not pass out.\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1FUA10" 6s>>

Boss, I don't think you need me to tell you what you're feeling, as you probably could give //me// a few pointers, but I'll tell you this:\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1FUA9" 6s>>

You assume Queen Ghoulia's throne.\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3CTURN3s2" 4s>>

Agharestia appears!\n\nAgharestia runs over to Emilianorry's corpse and screams, "What did you do?"\n\nCommand?\n\n[[ >Fight|DAY1FUA3F]]\n[[ >Cast spell|DAY1FUA3C]]

Emilianorry the Centaur appears!\n\nEmilianorry is stunned!\n\nCommand?\n\n[[ >Fight|DAY1FUA2F]]\n[[ >Cast spell|DAY1FUA2C]]

You reach into your satchel and--wait, what the fuck, Boss?! Where did you get that gun?!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1FUA2" 5s>>

Utterly against your will, you point the gun at your own stomach and pull the trigger!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1FUA8" 6s>>

You are still unable to move!\n\nSyd the Guardian Pixie says, "You fucking psychopath. This ends now."\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1FUA7" 5s>>

You find yourself completely unable to move!\n\nSyd the Guardian Pixie laughs triumphantly!\n\n[[ >Fight|DAY1FUA6]]\n[[ >Cast spell|DAY1FUA6]]\n[[ >Run|DAY1FUA6]]

Syd the Guardian Pixie appears and says, "This ends now, Boss!"\n\nCommand?\n\n[[ >Fight|DAY1FUA5]]\n[[ >Cast spell|DAY1FUA5]]\n[[ >Run|DAY1FUA5]]

"Beautiful?" She smirks. "I'm glad you find them beautiful.\n\n<<if $DRYAD gte 1>>\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3CSP2" 5s>>\n<<else>>\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3CEND" 5s>>\n<<endif>>

"Farewell, visitor," says King Callegnam. "Remember to keep the Centaurs in your heart always!"\n\nKing Callegnam fades away!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3RGRAVE6" 5s>>

"Let me ask you a royal question," she says. "Let's pretend I gave you a choice. Let's pretend that being a Dryad, that it's not a one-of-a-kind species. Let's say it's a title. Let's pretend that I'm giving you a choice. If I said you could right your wrong by being the next Dryad, would you do it?"\n\n\n[[ >"I would."|NIGHT3CSP3Y]]\n[[ >"I would not."|NIGHT3CSP3N]]

"It's funny," she says. She steps closer to you and pulls down part of her garment. Tattooed onto this part of her skin, strangely untouched by rot, is a map of Tuisere. "I know everything that comes into my land, and I know who comes into my lands."\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3CSP2B" 6s>>

"Long have I felt that the noble Centaur has been poorly treated. But if even you, a visitor, can appreciate the centaurs, so can even my people."\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3RGRAVE5" 5s>>

Okay, Boss! Let's get out of this hole of vermin!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3" 4s>>

But you never find out what it means. Urghula's white blood cells turn into acid and she shreds into a pile of bones and blood in front of your eyes!\n\n<<timedgoto "CURSEENDBAR" 6s>>

You punch the rats--and one bites you!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3RRATSPUNCH2" 4s>>

Okay, Boss, I'm feeling brave. We can go to the [[graveyard|NIGHT2G1]] tonight if you insist. Of course, the [[Hainted Castle|NIGHT2C1]] is really exciting.

You flee from justice and find yourself among the Kobolds. All in all it isn't a bad life, and you even get used to the smell.\n\nOne day a hero burns your village to the ground with you in it. All of the other Kobolds survived.\n\n<<timedgoto "END" 7s>>

"That's not a judgement of my land," Ghoulia says. "Danger is temporal and those creatures were placed here."\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3CEND" 5s>>

Agharestia makes a wailing, gutteral growl as her skin dissolves! \n\nAgharestia's flesh is slowly pulled from her--FUCKING STOP IT BOSS\n\nThe pile of organs and bones that was once Agharestia puddles around Emilianorry's corpse!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1FUA4" 6s>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $GROATS = ($GROATS - 35)>>\n<<set $AXE = 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\nGurgur nods sagely. "I completely and totally understand. Gotta shred some trees before you can shred some notes. You're a wise one." He wraps up the axe for you slowly and thoughtfully.\n\n<<timedgoto "SMITHYMAIN" 5s>>

What a beautiful night--a lot of people seem to be enjoying the weather! How about we go to [[The Water Supply|BAR1]] and grab a round? Or you could stop by the [[Smithyteria|SMITHY1]] and see what's going on!

Augh! What a terrible idea, boss!\n\nThe rats are all swarming all over you!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3RRATSPUNCH2" 4s>>

\n\n\n\n\nHello!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3GEND2" 3s>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $GROATS = ($GROATS + 75)>>\n<<endsilently>>\n"OoOOoooOoooOoo" the haint wails as it disappears!\n\nYou get 274 experience points!\n\nYou get 75 groats!\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2CWIN3" 3s>>

"Well, yeah, but that means you should have a weapon just in case, right? Ha ha."\n\n<<timedgoto "SMITHYMAIN" 4s>>

You raise your arms and--oh, God, Boss, no, don't do this!\n\nWaves of arcane power go from your fingertips to surround Agharestia!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY1FUA3CB" 6s>>

"Aaight, buddypal, I totes understand," Gurgur says.\n\n<<timedgoto "SMITHYMAIN" 3s>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $VAR = either(1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12)>>\n<<set $VAR2 = ($VAR * 3)>>\n<<endsilently>>\n\nYou take your gun and--oh God, I can't watch--shoot Agharestia three times in the chest! \n\nEach shot is worth <<print $VAR>> damage, for a total of <<print $VAR2>>!\n<<timedgoto "DAY1FUA3FB" 5s>>

The haint is still standing!\n\nCommand?\n\n[[ >Fight|NIGHT2CFIGHT]]\n[[ >Item|NIGHT2CITEM]]\n[[ >Run|NIGHT2CRUN]]

"Oh," Frunk says. "I hope you had fun here. If only there were a souvenir of this shop you could take home with you. But you'll have to keep it in your heart."\n\nYeah, Boss, I agree. Frunk's a little weird.\n\n<<if $DAY eq 1>>\s\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1" 4s>>\n<<else if $DAY eq 2>>\s\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2" 4s>>\n<<else if $DAY eq 3>>\s\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3" 4s>>\n<<endif>>

"We're //mummies//," he says. "We don't have to be //nice//. Now get out of here before we put a curse on you!\n\nI think he's serious, Boss! Let's head out."\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1" 6s>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $TEENS = ($TEENS+2)>>\n<<endsilently>>\nWell, Boss, I think that was a great night! You and the teens really understood each other, and I think they're gonna have much better relationships with their families from here on out!\n\nLet's go back to the hotel for another exciting day!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3" 5s>>

A tough-looking mummy comes up to you. "We're not an exhibit for you to //gawk// at."\n\n[[ >"I've heard that mummies have the best parties and I just wanted to party hard."|DAY1RSA2]]\n[[ >"It would be nice if you would let me come to the party!"|DAY1RSP2]]\n[[ >"I didn't mean to offend. I'm sorry and I'll leave now!"|DAY1RUP2]]

\n\n\n\n\nMy name is Richard Goodness, and you've just beaten @@color:green;TWEEZER@@, the game that I made with PaperBlurt for the [[2014 Fear of Twine exhibition|http://www.fearoftwine.com]] !\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3GEND3" 6s>>

She sniffs. "This isn't about //partying//, it's about //healing//."\n\n<<timedgoto "ALCHEMISTMAIN" 3s>>

Her face, shriveled and wrinkled and a strawlike mass of what was once hair still clinging like vines to the top of her skull.\n\nThis is--was?--a woman who has seen more than you ever will, who knows more and is wiser than anybody you will meet--and she is speaking to //you//.\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3C4B" 6s>>

"How have you been enjoying your time in my lands?"\n\n[[ >"Your lands? I thought this land belonged to Megalodon."|NIGHT3CUP1]]\n[[ >"This is a very beautiful country!"|NIGHT3CSP1]]\n[[ >"It's extremely dangerous here!"|NIGHT3CUA1]]\n<<if $TURNUNDEADS eq 1>>\n[[ >Cast Toin Undeads|NIGHT3CTURN1]]\n<<endif>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $GROATS = ($GROATS - 30)>>\n<<set $SWORD = 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\n"Tubular, brasciole!" Gurgur says. He's super happy about your purchase!\n\n<<timedgoto "SMITHYMAIN" 4s>>

You approach the throne.\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3C3" 4s>>

You would believe her a statue, so large and solid and immobile is she. A cloak is draped over half of her, exposing the left side of her chest and shoulder.\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3C3B" 6s>>

Good idea, Boss! Let's get back to the hotel early, have a glass of warm milk, and then get you home!\n\n<<timedgoto "END" 5s>>

When you come to, someone is poking you in the face with a shovel. It's the groundskeeper. "Might want to do something about that," he says, motioning towards your left cheek.\n\nI don't want to tell you what they've drawn on there!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3" 5s>>

"Aaight, bro, let me lay it on ya," Gurgur says. "That's, like, the best sword that ever there was in Tuisere except for, like, the Blood Sword, or whatever. Anyway, it's 30 groats. You want it?"\n\n<<if $GROATS lt 30>>\s\nBoss, you don't have enough groats!\n\n[[ >Back|SMITHYMAIN]]\n<<else>>\nBoss, you have <<print $GROATS>> groats. Do you want the sword?\n\n[[ >Yes|SMITHYSWORD2]]\n[[ >No|SMITHYNO]]\n<<endif>>

"The only father we ever had lies buried right here!" one of the teens says. Her mascara is running because of her tears.\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2GSP2" 4s>>

One of the teens jumps up and socks you in the face!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2GUA4" 3s>>

Oh no, Boss! Do you hear that?\n\n//Ssssssss//\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3R3" 4s>>

<<if $CURSE eq 1>>\s\n<<display "ALCHEMISTCURSE">>\s\n<<else>>\n"What would you like?"\n\n<<if $LINING eq 0>>\s\n[[ >Dionysus's Lining|ALCHENIGHT2G]]\n<<endif>>\n[[ >Antidote of the Miraculous|ALCHEANTIDOTE]]\n<<if $DISBELIEF eq 0>>\s\n[[ >Potion of Disbelief|ALCHEDISBELIEF]]\n<<endif>>\n[[ >Doktor Igor's Anti Plague Elixir|ALCHEPLAGUE]]\n[[ >Nothing, thanks|ALCHEMISTLEAVE]]\n<<endif>>

Boss, you have the following items in your satchel:\n\n<<if $LIGHTER eq 1>>\s\n[[ >Attractive, functional lighter|DAY2FLIGHTER]]\n<<endif>>\n<<if $BOOK eq 1>>\s\n[[ >The Book of Exorcism|DAY2FPAPER]]\n<<endif>>\n[[ >A crumpled letter|DAY2FPAPER]]\n[[ >Back|DAY2FATTACK2]]

<<if $CURSE eq 1>>\s\n<<display "BARCURSE">>\n<<else>>\n<<if $GROATS lt 5>>\s\nHey, Boss, I don't think you can afford a drink!\n\n"What's that?" Urghula says. "Can't afford a drink? Well, scram!" Uh oh, Boss. Time to go home, I guess!\n\n<<if $DAY eq 1>>\s\n<<timedgoto "DAY2" 5s>>\n<<else if $DAY eq 2>>\s\n<<timedgoto "DAY3" 5s>>\n<<else if $DAY eq 3>>\s\n<<timedgoto "END" 5s>>\n<<endif>>\n<<else>>\n"How about a drink!" Urghula asks. "A glass of the house trania will be 5 groats!"\n\nBoss, you've got <<print $GROATS>> groats. \n\n[[ >"I'll take one!"|BARCHAT]]\n[[ >"It's time to go back to the hotel!"|BARLEAVE]]\n<<if $TEENS gte 3>>\n[[ >"I've shooed the teenagers away from the bar!"|BARQ]]\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>

And then I said, "I'll be over here", and--yeah, a skellington with a sword and an unarmed tourist, you do the math, ha ha, right. Anyway, so long story short, I'm here for unemployment. Is there like a form or something? Thanks--Gynnycre, your name is? Thanks. You've been a huge help.\n\n<<timedgoto "END" 7s>>

Um, okay, boss, reason with the...magically set of animated set of bones. \n\nI'll be over here.\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1GSP2" 5s>>

Good choice, Boss! Let's get the heck out of here!\n\nMan! What a thrilling vacation!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2" 5s>>

You use all your items on the Professor and give him a horrible death because you're an awful human being.\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2RUATTACK2" 5s>>

I wouldn't waste my time with that, Boss! The skelethon is an animated set of bones. It's not a ghost, phantasm, ghast, phantom, or even a haint!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1GSKELL" 5s>>

"Hey, brosetta," Gurgur says suddenly. "Do you smell, like, ancient mummy spices?"\n\nHis eyes widen. "Yo, that's bogus--you brought the mummy curse here!"\n\n<<timedgoto "SMITHYCURSE2" 5s>>

"Alas," Drudie says. "Perhaps something else!"\n\n<<timedgoto "ALCHEMISTMAIN" 3s>>

Queen Ghoulia laughs. "That shows patience, Mortal. You'll meet him soon enough, I suppose. Listen--" She narrows what was once her eyes. "You will owe fealty to me one day, but until then, you have your freedom. Just recognize that that freedom is somewhat irrelevant."\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3CEND" 6s>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $VAR2=($VAR2-1)>>\n<<endsilently>>\n\nYou punch the haint!\n\nSplat! Your fists punches against ectoplasm! A bit splatters to the ground--you hurt it a //little//! <<if $VAR2 lte 0>>\s\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2CWIN" 4s>>\n<<else>>\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2CHAINT" 4s>>\n<<endif>>

Okay, Boss! It's a clear, cool night, so why don't we go out on the [[town|NIGHT1T]] and have some fun? Or, if you're of a brave persuasion, you could always see what [[adventures|NIGHT1O]] are to be had tonight!

Boss, the night got warmer! I love when that happens!\n\nMaybe you want to go and [[find some adventure|NIGHT2O]], or perhaps you just want to [[take a stroll around town|NIGHT2T]]?

It's your last night in Tuisere!\n\nIt's been fun, Boss! So what do you want to do--a night on the [[town|NIGHT3T]], or would you rather go on [[one last adventure|NIGHT3O]]?

Boss! The haint shudders from that! I think it's working!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2CBOOK5" 4s>>

''//SI TU DURES//''\n''//TROP MALADE//''\n''//COULEUR FADE//''\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2CBOOK6" 3s>>

Boss! It's working! The haint is flickering out of existence! \n\nFinish it off!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2CBOOK7" 4s>>

''//DIEU TE DONNE//''\n''//SANTE BONNE//''\n''//MA MIGNONNE//''\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2CWIN" 3s>>

Quick, Boss! It's about to pounce!\n\n[[ >Fight|NIGHT3G6]]\n[[ >Item|NIGHT3G6]]\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3G6" .5s>>

Gurgur swells up like a balloon and explodes, spraying viscera and gore all over you!\n\n<<timedgoto "CURSEENDSMITHY" 4s>>

''//MA MIGNONNE//''\n''//JE VOUS DONNE//''\n''//LE BONJOUR//''\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2CBOOK4" 3s>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $HP = 10>>\n<<set $MHP = 5>>\n<<endsilently>>\nA Skelethon appears!\n\nCommand?\n\n[[ >Fight|NIGHT1GFIGHT]]\n[[ >Item|NIGHT1GITEM]]\n[[ >Run|NIGHT1GRUN]]

Doktor Igor laughs. "Why, the Wllyllyll is a legend! I never created a Wllyllyllyll!"\n\n<<if $WLLPHOTO eq 1>>\s\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1CWLLA" 5s>>\n<<else>>\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1CMAIN" 5s>>\n<<endif>>

You party at the bar for hours and hours. When you come to, you have a pounding headache and you're late for your flight. You spend seventeen hours in the airport waiting for the next flight out of here.\n\n<<timedgoto "END" 7s>>

TWEEZER was made by [[Richard Goodness|http://richardgoodness.wordpress.com]] and [[PaperBlurt|http://paperblurt.com]] for the [[2014 Fear of Twine Exhibition|http://www.fearoftwine.com]]\n\nThank you for playing!

"Begone!" King Callegnam commands. "You are but a tourist in my realm!"\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3RGRAVEEND2" 5s>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $GROATS = ($GROATS - 30)>>\n<<set $DISBELIEF = 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\n\nYou down the potion!\n\nAll of your night time fears seem silly!\n\nYou never did actually talk to your grandmother after she died!\n\n<<timedgoto "ALCHEMISTMAIN" 5s>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $DRYAD = 2>>\n<<endsilently>>\nWell, Boss, you killed the Dryad, but nothing's left but a bunch of charcoal!\n\nRemember, Guzzle the Kobold says, only you can burn a mystical entity to death.\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2" 5s>>

<<silently>>\n<<if $TEENS eq 1>>\n<<else>>\n<<set $TEENS = ($TEENS +1)>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endsilently>>\nShe's smiling! "I like a fun time, but I can't stand troublemakers! There are always troublemaking teenagers standing around my father's grave and I hate them!"\n\n<<timedgoto "BARMAIN" 5s>>

"You!" Urghula screams. "You've brought the mummy's curse in here, haven't you!"\n\nWhen you don't respond, she pounds on the bar. "Don't you know what this means?"\n\n<<timedgoto "BARCURSE2" 5s>>

Snicker snack! You kill the rats!\n\nGood for you!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3RSPIDERS" 4s>>

Okay, Boss. It's time to get back to the hotel for another busy day in Tuisere!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3" 4s>>

Drudie waves good bye. "Farewell, traveler, and may Tuisere welcome you with open arms!"\n\nWell I suppose that was very nice!\n<<if $DAY eq 1>>\s\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1" 4s>>\n<<else if $DAY eq 2>>\s\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2" 4s>>\n<<else if $DAY eq 3>>\s\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3" 4s>>\n<<endif>>

<<silently>>\n<<set $RESEARCH = ($RESEARCH + 2)>>\n<<endsilently>>\n"Hang on one moment!" Doktor Igor rummages through his satchel and pulls out a sheaf of paper. "For you. Documents on all of the creatures one might face in Tuisere. Nothing fancy--just based on my original research. May it serve you well! And Syd?"\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1CLEAVE2" 6s>>

"...be careful, okay?"\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1CLEAVE4" 3s>>

We're in Gurgur's Smithyteria, and here's Gurgur himself!\n\n"Hey, dude, so we got, like, weapons and shit. They're pretty bitchin'. What do you think?"\n\n[[ >"I'm not really into weapons."|SMITHYUP1]]\n[[ >"They're aaight."|SMITHYSA1]]\n[[ >"Fighting is the last resort."|SMITHYSP1]]\n[[ >"YES"|SMITHYUA1]]

<<silently>>\n<<set $GROATS = ($GROATS - 80)>>\n<<set $CAMERA = 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\n"Good luck taking photographs!" Frunk says. I guess I'll hold onto this one.\n\n<<timedgoto "SOUVENIRMAIN" 3s>>

You slash the sword at the skelethon! \n\nIt does absolutely no damage!\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1GSKELL" 4s>>

The mongeese eat all of the snakes, leaving nothing but a bunch of snake bones!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3RRATS" 4s>>

"Ah, a Haint. A curious creature. For have I //created life// that only mimics the dead, or have I simply created a medium that a spirit animates? I cannot tell."\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT1CMAIN" 6s>>

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\n\n\n\n\n\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT3GENDC" 3s>>

You swing the axe. It passes right through the haint!\n<<timedgoto "NIGHT2CHAINT" 4s>>

"Now this," Gurgur beams, "is what we in the business call a hammer, also known as a cudgel, a bludgeon, a club, a black jack, a centaur dick, a sh'lalo, or--well, suffice it to say, my friend, you can do some //damage// with this guy. It's 25 groats."\n\n<<if $GROATS lt 25>>\s\nBoss, you don't have enough groats!\n\n[[ >Back|SMITHYMAIN]]\n<<else>>\nBoss, you have <<print $GROATS>> groats. Do you want the hammer, also known as a cudgel, a bludgeon, a club, a black jack, a--uh, do you want it?\n\n[[ >Yes|SMITHYHAMMER2]]\n[[ >No|SMITHYNO]]\n<<endif>>

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Boss, this is your vacation, but with all due respect, //are you fucking insane//?\n\n[[ >"You're right. Let's get out of here."|DAY3FUP1]]\n[[ >"Relax, I know what I'm doing."|DAY3FSP2]]

Boss--uh--good luck.\n\nI'm getting the hell out of here.\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY3FSP3" 4s>>

She scowls! "You're the most shameful of all!" Uh oh, Boss! That wasn't smart!\n\n<<timedgoto "BARMAIN" 3s>>

Upon seeing an item made of paper, the Dryad flies into a rage!\n\nThe Dryad's Brutality increases by 3,512!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2FDRYAD" 4s>>

<<timedgoto "END" 4s>>

"And I believe in giving people what they want, and people want souvenirs."\n\nOuf, Boss, that wasn't a nice thing to say.\n\n<<timedgoto "SOUVENIRMAIN" 3s>>

The Dryad slashes viciously until you are dead!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2FDRYAD4" 2s>>

The Dryad claws open your stomach!\n\n<<timedgoto "DAY2FDRYAD3" 3s>>